More About School..

Di ko nga pala nasabi yung details ng schooling ko.
Im currently taking up Certificate in Education sa
Makati University. Initially inisip ko baduy naman
bakit dun pa pero naisip ko. If I need it, I really
need it so di ako puedeng mamili ng school and the
tuition ain't bad either. PhP 1,600 per semester
lahat na yun.

Tapos I discovered na lahat pala ng magiging
teachers ko may PHD. Not bad naman pala.

Ngayon ang hassle na lang sa akin ang
mag commute ng malayo medyo malayo kasi
ang school kung saan ako nakatira pero
kaunting tiis na lang. 2 Semesters lang naman
ako dun.

Then next year I'll be moving to another
school sa Philippine Normal University to
take up my specialization. (feeling ko mag
doctor ako) . Sabi sa akin I need to get at
least 18 Units ng Education Units kaya eto
na nga ginagawa ko na.

Pasukan Na..

Start na ng classes namin nung Monday.
It felt weird to be called by your real name.
Okay naman pala sya, iniisip ko kasi baka
ma-out of place ako. Pero nung nag start
na di na rin pala ako out of place. Kasi
lahat naman kami andun para mag-aral
at para matuto. Tapos puro research rin
gagawin. Medyo natuwa ako kasi ganun
din ako nung college puro research
ang ginagawa.

Mabait naman yung mga classmates ko.
Mayroon na rin akong naging kaibigan
although sa isang subject ko lang sya
classmate nalaman ko na malapit lang
sya sa akin. Kaya tuwing pag uwi sabay
na lang kami.

Bigla ko ga naisip sana pala noon ko
pa ginawa ito.Pero madaming bagay
sa buhay ko ang ay laging karugtong na
sana noon ko pa ginawa. Wala na akong
magagawa dun eh tapos na yun. Kahit
ano pang gawin ko di ko na mababalik.
Puede ko na lang gawin pag butihan ko
yung ngayon para maging maganda ang
bukas.

Happy Fathers Day!

Happy Fathers Day Philbert



I know sometimes Im guilty of saying that
you are not a good husband. I can never say
that you were not a good father. I couldn't
have asked for a better father for Joshwa
Joshwa is so lucky to have a dad like you.
When I couldn't get up to give him his bottle
in the middle of the night you did it without
any complaints. You gave him his daily bath
and never said a word of protest.

You always took time out to play with him
and bring him a toy whenever you can.
Joshwa loves you so much and he misses
you so much. Sometimes he looks
for you and it hurts to see him to always
keep saying Daddy and you're not here
to hear that.Im sorry that I'm always
on your case as to when we can join you
I just miss you much and we love you
so much.

Officially A Student

Naka enroll na ako sa wakas.. Nakahanap na ako
ng school na tatanggap sa akin. This may
pave the way for a fresh new start for Joshwa
and me.

Medyo biglaan nga ang pagka enroll
ko kasi tumawag lang ako para
magtanong kung kailan puede mag
enroll for Second Semester. Sabi sa akin
punta ka na ngayon puede ka pa humabol
for 1st Semester. Kaya ayun nagpunta ako
nag exam tapos nagfill out ng forms nagpa
assess the next day nakapag pa enroll na ako

Its our 6th Year Anniversary on Sunday.
Then I heard our song on the radio.
Baduy but we really like this song..
But this is not really like a typical
love song and it actually describes what
I feel at the moment.


Walking After You
by Foo Fighters

Tonight I'm tangled in my
blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do
without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back, I'm on your back,
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you'd accept surrender,
give up some more
Weren't you adored

I cannot be without you,
matter of fact
Ooh I'm on your back
I'm on your back
Ooh I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two,
I'm on your back Ooh
I cannot be without you, matter of fact

Ooh I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two,
I'm on your back Ooh

I had a good week no drama of any sort
happening in my life. Except that some of
my plans are again on hold. I cant go back to
school just yet although I want to but something
tells me that this isn't the right time.

Im trying to fix Joshwa's transfer to a new school
I just found out that PGH has a SPED School and
that's where I want to move Joshwa.
Kasi I know magagaling ang hahawak na doctors
and specialists sa kanya. So tomorrow aga kami
punta around 6am sana magising ako para
maaga.I've heard horror stories kung gaano
kahaba ang pila sa Out Patient Department nila.

Going to PGH and passing through Ward 9
the primary beneficiary of Give a Life
was a HUGE HUGE reality check for me
kasi I used to look at other kids say to myself
if only Joshwa wasn't like this he would be like
that. Pero nung pumunta ako dun parang sinasabi
sa akin na would you rather that Joshwa be able
to be" normal" and yet be confined here.

I heard a sermon that really struck me about
always wanting what we have and always looking
through other people's fences. Thats something that
I want to change. Joshwa is what he is and
I've learned to accept that kaya lang I guess
those are the moments of weakness for me.

Kuento Kuwento

I read somewhere na okay na browser ang firefox
Syempre hanap naman ako sa Limewire
para mag download. Tapos nung nakita na
gawa sya ng Mozilla. Meron pala ako nun.
Tanga ko talaga.. Saka its just similar to the
Netscape Navigator.


I've been okay lately.The depression is
under control siguro kasi I've been going
to church and I've been attending my
cell group meetings. Di ko alam kung ano
ang connection nun pero malaki talaga
naitulong sa akin.

On another note Mama and Papa will be
going to the US in December. Iwan muna
kami ni Joshwa. Although nalungkot ako
naintindihan ko rin naman kung bakit.
I plan to go on a vacation with Josh iniisip ko
pa kung saan. Kung sa Boracay or Sa Dipolog
and Dumaguete. Kung may pera ako we
just might do both. Either way we will really
go I dont want to stay here na wala sila.
Neither do I want to spend the holidays with
my In Law's. If worse comes to worse at di talaga
makaalis check in na lang kami sa hotel ni Joshwa.

I've seen In Good Company last night
for some reason di ako masaya dun sa
movie. Ewan ko ba di pa rin ako maka get over
na di lahat ng movie eh magkakatuluyan.
(sorry kung spoiler)

Someone sent this to me i think this is
worth reading

Reflections of a Mom...
Author: Anonymous

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things,
but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions,
but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom
, but I cannot account for it.
I can share my faith with you,
but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong,
but I cannot always decide for you.

I can buy you beautiful clothes,
but I cannot make you beautiful inside.
I can offer you advice,
but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love,
but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share,
but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect,
but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends,
but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex,
but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life,
but I can't build your reputation.
I can tell you about alcohol,
but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs,
but I can't prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals,
but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness,
but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins,
but I cannot make you moral.
I can love you as a child,
but I cannot place you in God's family.
I can pray for you,
but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can teach you about Jesus,
but I cannot make Jesus your Lord.
I can tell you how to live,
but I cannot give you eternal life.

Happy Mother's Day to Everyone maski
yung walang anak kasi I truly believe that
Women are mothers one way or the other.

Someone asked me this questions..
I figured i'd post this on my blog
so that you know how I really am and
how I'm coping. To those of you who
will tell me get over it and post about
something else this is my blog my online
journal my personal space. (enough said)

How are you doing without Philbert?

When people usually ask me that question
I always have the "safe" answer, I tell them
I'm okay.. I'm fine. I'll tell you the truth I'm
lonely, alone,miserable and my depression is
creeping up on me. I know I shouldnt be but
I cant help it. He's , soulmate and my bestfriend
and now he's not here I feel so alone.

How's Joshwa?
Joshwa is okay.We will try medication
soon as soon I can afford it I will try it.
Unfortunately, he doesnt ask for his dad
anymore usually when someone is at the door
he would shout and smile and say Didi!!
(short for daddy) but now its not
there anymore.


How in the world are you coping
when you're by yourself?

Im failing miserably.. I mean in all honesty
I'm not doing great at all things have been
going so bad with me and Im having problems
financially sometimes my dad would say
that he made a mistake nung pinauwi nya
pa ako dito.Which I also think so too..
But kung di naman ko umuwi paano naman
si Joshwa I wouldn't want to leave him here.
What kind would a mother would I be If
I just didnt go back for him. I cant judge
other moms who could do that but I can't.
I can never live with myself kung di na ako
bumalik for him.

Are you ok?
Im not i miss him so much
as in everyday i think about him and I worry
about him kung okay ba sya or ano na ba
nangyayari sa kanya. Bago ako umuwi he asked
me to stay with him kasi di daw nya kaya na wala
ako pero like what I said I had to make that very
difficult decision.I know the bible would said
unahin ko husband ko pero I felt na mas
kailangan naman ako ni Joshwa.
Philbert needs me too but Joshwa needed
me more. Sometimes I get mad that people
would say buti pa si Philbert asa abroad na
I just smile and not say anything at them
pero sa totoo lang sometimes I cant take it
anymore gusto ko na lang umuwi sya.
I also hate the way his mom flaunts it
na she's so sad na andun na si Philbert
I know she's proud. Pero iniisip ko bakit
ako lang malungkot na wala sya bakit sila
kunwari lang malungkot pero masaya sila
na malayo sya kasi iniisip nila makakatulong
na kami financially sa kanila.
In my mothers in laws case totoo ito I
know her too well. I know that if i tell him
to go home he will but I dont want him to
resent me na pinauwi ko sya dito.
Ano ba meron dito sa Philippines
Palubog na eh.

What have you been up to?

Im still working for my dad, trying to figure
out the bio-medical intervention aspect for
Joshwa and still scrapbooking.
Scrapbooking is really my passion it
was a great outlet for me. It brought out
something in me that I never really knew I had.

How is Philbert doing?

Philbert is great,, He found a job that he wanted
He is now working for a Auto Supply Parts
Company as a computer technician.
He recently bought a car and enjoys the American Life.


Are you able to join him soon....or do you want to?

Im not sure about joining him soon.
Im going to try my best to apply for a
visa in September. If ma deny okay lang at
least I tried if ma approve that would be really
great. I want to see him and be with him.
Im ready na to let go of my life and everything
here makasama ko lang sya.
I dont know how long I can take to be
apart from him. This has been so hard for me.

Nobody has really asked me that kung okay
lang ba or kung how am I coping.
They all ask me kung kumusta na si Philbert
pero no one really asked kung kumusta na ako.
I know that's a selfish question or statement.
Pero Im really going through a tough time right now.

Please pray for me that i can get through this..
We usually fight and argue a lot and I suddenly
miss that.

Im excited about the next approach to
Joshwa's therapy. We're going to do the
Bio-Medical Approach.

I found 2 other parents and we will be doing
chelation together.

Here are some bits and pieces of my research.

What is Chelation?Chelation
(pronounced key-LAY-shun) is a term
derived from the Greek chele, meaning "claw."
A chelation agent is a chemical agent that, like a
claw, grabs and chemically bonds with metals or
other minerals and toxins. Simply put, chelation
is the process in which chemicals bind with minerals.
While chelation is a naturally occurring biological
process (hemoglobin binds with iron to provide
oxygen to tissues), synthesized chelation agents
were first developed during World War II as a
way to clear toxic metals from the body.

Chemists discovered they could create a
heterocycling ring of molecules which surround
or "sequester" mineral molecules and carry them
from the body through normal elimination.

This process of chelation actually removes
unwanted metals from the bloodstream.
In fact, chelation therapy is the only way
to treat lead poisoning. But lead is not the
only metal cleansed from the body through
chelation. A chelation agent will also bind with
most metals, mineral deposits, calcium-based
plaques and other chemical toxins.

I believe that my son has been mercury
poisoned. Syempre iisipin nyo naghahanap
lang ako ng sisisihin. According to research
a mother who has Amalgam filling can
pass on the mercury to her unborn child.
Of course you will think its just a
coincidence but in our egroup of
80 parents all of the mothers have
amalgam fillings.

Plus the fact that the child will have
vaccinations will of course bring more
mercury to the child's body. The nail
that will seal the coffin is the MMR
because it weakens the immune system.

Since the figures of kids afflicted with Autism
were escalating. There was a research that
was done here in Tagum, Davao City.
They went to a hospital near Compostella
Valley near the mining site because there
were large amounts of mercury there.
They studied the cord and meconium
of newborns.. There was one batch that
had no mercury in the cord but it was
found in the meconium. But there
was another batch that had mercury on the
cord but not on the meconium. Which
means that the child could not
excrete the mercury it was deposited
on the brain.


This findings are all scientific..
I dont mean to scare anyone neither
do I want to look for an excuse.
I just refuse to accept the fact that
this is it for Joshwa he deserves a
fighting chance. I owe it to my child
to try everything so that I could help
him. If chelation is not the answer
then I'll move on to the next one.

I thank God that he sent me angels
that will go through the journey with me.

Okay na ako

I decided to shift my focus on to other
things. As my dear friend once told me
you can't be depressed all the time.

I know I really need to learn how
to refocus my attention and my
energy. I can't waste my time whinning
and crying about things that I can't control.

I miss Philbert I really do.
But there's nothing I can't do but wait.
We made that choice together for him
to stay behind and try to see if It
will work out.

Nakakapagod na pala maging malungkot.
Nakakapagod maging takot sa hinaharap
Nakakapagod pag madaming dinadala.

So I will try to be more proactive.
Im going back to school to get some
units. I volunteered to take on
two new projects and on top of that
A friend and I decided to form a small
business. Hopefully this will work out
if it doesn't then we will learn from
our mistakes and move on.

That's what life is all about.
Take what you can and learn from it
and if you can't then leave it behind
because someone might use it and in
life we have to learn to travel light.

The Wedding Date

I decided to leave work early to watch a movie
alone and I chose to watch The Wedding Date.
Thanks to Leah for calling my attention..It
was not my intention to post something
without crediting those who wrote it.


The Wedding Date: A Movie Review
http://movies.yahoo.com/



This movie was a fairly typical romantic comedy,
though at times it packed some great plot punches.
The acting wasn't superb. Dermot Mulroney's
character and other supporting actors characters
were, at times, overdone. The cast's saving Grace
was Debra Messing, who played her character
exceedingly well. Direction could've been done by
anyone. Don't get me wrong-- It wasn't bad.
It's just okay.

The visuals were good. I'm a sucker for English
scenery, and what can I say? If you took a video
recorder out into the middle of England, its so
beautiful.

The thing about this movie is, if you like often
predictable romantic comedies, and those are the
types of movies that leave you warm and fuzzy
when you get up from your seat, then it's a
worthwhile movie. If you're a cynic who wants to
see "true love" and "true life" represented, sorry--
not happening. Overall, I enjoyed the movie
and felt it was entertaining.

Johnny Depp stand aside, Brad Pitt move away...
Dermont is here. Not only was the leading man in
this film amazing(along with a few other cast
members), but the story is one that leaves
you coming out of the theater in a happy mood
and wanting to go see it again. It combines the
perfect amount of humour, passion/love, and
"happiness." This movie is one that you
definitely should go and see!

Lately, Im just feeling so down
as in super. Miss ko na talaga asawa ko.
Maybe i'm not meant for this long
distance thing. May mga araw na
ayoko na talaga di ko na kaya.
Like this past few days i feel myself
in a total slump. I couldnt even
focus my energy on anything else.
I keep asking myself up to when
ba itong dusa na ito? I couldn't function
properly. I know nahihirapan din sya
pero di na lang nya sinasabi sa akin.
He always tells me na he's doing good.
I guess I should be happy na okay sya
pero bakit ako hindi?

I know at the back of my mind this
is for the greater good. Pero I miss the
hugs, the laughs, the fights and just
being near him. I miss my best friend.
Till I see him again I dont know if
I'll ever be the same again.

I used to hate it na may mga tao na laging sinasabi
na in the States ganito at ganyan at dito ganito
pa rin.Then nung bumalik ako dito ganito na rin
ako. Pero since concious nga ako sa ganyan.
I try na hindi gawin. Baka kasi mali na naman
ang dating sa iba eh. Ibang impression ang makuha
nila.


Speaking of impressions.. I know I wrote a letter
asking for help para kay Joshwa. Pinadalhan ko yung
Autism Society of the Philippines ng Letter.
You know what I received nothing but ridicule
behind my back. Aba eh imbes na tulungan ako eh
wala lang na chismiss pa ako. Tipong ano pa daw
ba nirereklamo ko kaya ko naman magbayad.
I have yet to talk to them but I will.. I really will..

Wala naiinis lang ako. Im just feeling so low lately
miss ko na kasi si Philbert eh. Its been too long since
I've seen him..

Orange Chicken (Panda Express)

I totally love this.. Once lang ako nakatikim
pero super sarap talaga nya..


Panda Express Orange Chicken

· 2 pounds boneless chicken pieces
· 1 egg
· 1 1/2 teaspoon salt
· White pepper
· Oil
· 1/2 cup plus 1 tbsp cornstarch
· 1/4 cup flour
· 1 tablespoon minced ginger root
· 1 teaspoon minced garlic
· 1 dash crushed hot red chilies
· 1/4 cup chopped green onions
· 1 tablespoon rice wine
· 1/4 cup water
· 1 teaspoon sesame oil

Orange Sauce for Stir Fry

2 teaspoons minced zest
1/4 cup juice from 1 large orange
1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar
2 tablespoons chicken stock
1 tablespoon light soy sauce

Cut chicken pieces in 2-inch squares and place in
large bowl. Stir in egg, salt, pepper, and
1 tablespoon oil and mix well.

Stir cornstarch and flour together.
Add chicken pieces, stirring to coat.
Heat oil for deep-frying in wok or
deep-fryer to 375 degrees F.

Add chicken pieces, a small batch at time,
and fry 3 to 4 minutes or until golden and crisp.
(Do not overcook or chicken will be tough.)
Remove chicken from oil with slotted spoon
and drain on paper towels. Set aside.

Clean wok and heat 15 seconds over high heat.
Add 1 tablespoon oil. Add ginger and garlic and
stir-fry until fragrant. Add and stir-fry crushed
chiles and green onions.

Add rice wine and stir 3 seconds.
Add Orange Sauce and bring to boil.
Add cooked chicken, stirring until well mixed.
Stir water into remaining 1 tablespoon cornstarch
until smooth. Add to chicken and heat until sauce is thick.
Stir in 1 teaspoon sesame oil.

No Cellphone.. Not Good

Initially akala ko I could live without a cellphone.
Inisip ko kasi Im getting too attached to it tipong
di na ako mabuhay ng wala sya. Kaya nung nagka
problem cell phone ko dumating sa point
na kailangan ko sya palitan nagkataon wala pa sya
sa budget ko.. I simply welcomed the idea na di
muna mag cell phone.

It was okay for the first few months.
Then I started having problems. I couldnt go out
with my friends without finding out where we would
meet. Di sila makalipat ng lugar nang wala ako.
Which is sometimes nakakahiya kasi minsan gutom
na sila kailangan pa nila talaga ako hintayin
before magdecide kung saan talaga kakain.

Some friends are telling me na they texted me
asking for directions and they thought na snub
ako kasi di ako sumasagot.

This is the final blow na. My bestfriend got married
and I wasnt there. She was texting me asking for
my address and I didnt respond akala nya nagalit
ako kasi ayoko dun sa pinakasalan nya.


Im going to get a cellphone soon. So I could be
connected again and prevent these kinds of hassles.

I also thought that cell phone is just luho pero
I realized need na pala ito.

I really love this song.. Luma na sya
pero it still has the same effect on me.
Miss ko na talaga si Philbert.


Angel of Mine
by Monica

When I first saw you, I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of mine
I look at you, lookin' at me
Now I know why they say, the best things are free
I'm gonna love you boy, you are so fine
Angel of mine
How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow

[chorus]

You came into my life, sent straight from above
When I lost all hope, you showed me love
I'm checkin' for you boy, you're right on time
Angel of mine
Nothing means more to me than what we share
No one in this whole world could ever compare
Last night, the way you moved is still on my mind
Angel of Mine
What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside, I need to show

[chorus]
You came into my life sent straight
from above (sent from above)
When I lost all hope, you showed me love
(boy you showed me love)
I'm checkin' for you, boy you're
right on time (right on time)
Angel of mine (angel of mine)
I never knew I could feel each moment
As if they were new
Every breath that I take, the love that we make
I only share it with you, you, you, you, you
When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine

[chorus]
You came into my life sent straight
from above (came in to my life, yeah)
When I lost all hope you showed me love
(boy you showed me love, uh huh)
I'm checkin' for you, boy you're right
on time (but boy your right on time)
Angel of mine (angel of mine, oh mine)
How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now you helped me grow
I look at you, looking at me
Now I know why they say, the best things are free
I'm checkin' for you, boy you're right on time
Angel of mine

Just a short note..Just wanted to let everyone
know that may work na si Philbert.
God is indeed good. I hope that this works
out na.Sana rin ma petition na sya.
Please continue to pray for us..

Some news

Ibabalik na namin si Andie sa family ng Mama nya.
I know nakakagulat kasi mahal namin sya and we
want her to be with us. So what's the problem?

Problema kasi is yung nanay nya although she
signed the waiver na. She has to be here naman
to testify in court that she gave Andie to us
out of her own free will. She's not willing to appear
in court . Aside from the fact that she's
out of the country ayaw daw nya mag appear in court.

If we declare her as abandoned naman we have to
wait 5 years para madeclare that the mom did
abandon her. Pero if magpakita nanay nya within
the 5 year waiting period.All that waiting will
amount to nothing.

I cant wait that long not at Joshwa's expense.
We need to migrate so that Joshwa will have
the best intervention that he cannot have
here. So maski masakit man sa loob ko kasi
napamahal na talaga sya sa akin. I have to
do it habang maaga pa. I dont want to wait
til its super painful for me to let her go.

Saka when she talked to my dad sabi nya
iiwan lang daw nya sa akin kukunin din daw.
Iyun pa isang kinakainis ko kasi ang gulo nya
iba iba sinasabi. So ang lagay nun gagawin
nya akong day care center. I hope that
Andie will grow up to be a smart woman.
I hope that she will be raised in the way
that I want to but I couldn't. Be loved like
the way I will always love her and hold
her in my heart.

A Call For Help

Over the past few days I've been emailing virtually
all the Autism Organizations that I could find.
Joshwa is regressing, despite all the intervention
which is not much considering that I could not
really afford the great ones (great meaning
expensive and great at the same time) Tapos
tinanggihan na kami ng BMAC. Apparently
they think that we can afford the therapy
pero kunwari lang nagpapanggap kaming
walang pera para makatipid. Which doesn't
make any sense kasi kung may money kami
di ko na titipirin yung therapy na yan.

I've emailed 50 groups all over the world.
I know isipin mo kapal naman nitong
babaeng ito virtually begging na talaga.
At this point it doesnt matter what others
think as long as matulungan ko ang anak ko.

Here's my email:
My name is Leira Pagaspas and
Im from the Philippines
I need your help I have a son who
was diagnosed with Autism.
I want to bring him there to your country
but I dont have the finances to do so right now

I was hoping to ask your organization so
that I could bring him there for programs.
If you cant help me can you refer me to
someone who can help me to bring him
there to help him.

Im willing to do anything and try anything
and beg if I have to. Just as long as I know
that my son will have a fighting chance.
Because here in the Philippines if you dont have the
money you cant do anything.
I know that with your support he will have the
best intervention that you can give him.
hope you can help my son.

Kung may kakilala kayo na puedeng makatulong
please paki email na lang ako sa leirs@mydestiny.net

God Bless!!

Andie Update

Great News!!! Di na babawiin si Andie.
Her bio mom and I had a long discussion
and we settled our issues and bottomline
is we both want what is beth for Andie
what was great was she signed the
waiver for the adoption.


Sa totoo lang talagang I lifted it all
up to God and I told him that
if she's not meant to be with us then
I humbluy accept his will and this
good news came. I am so ecstatic.

God is goood!!!!!!!!!

A Sad Day

I just wanted to tell you guys that Andie will be
going back to her biological mom. Im hurt
and sad at the same time but if its not meant
to be then its not meant to be.

This is probably for the best. i prayed for this
I asked God to give me a sign to tell me
kung para sa amin ba sya o hindi and
God gave me an answer not exactly what I
wanted to hear but this is still God's answer.

Please pray I may be hurt and mourning
because I feel like I lost a child.But
this is something that will not ruin
my spirit
will destroy me

My True Bestfriend

I was struck by what Hanagirl said that her
bestfriend is her Hana. Napaiisip ako talaga.

Oo nga pala kung may bestfriend pala na
ako matuturing si Philbert nga pala yun.
Buti na lang he is not reading my blog.
Kasi baka mag tampo sya.

I realized na wala namang nakakakilala
sa akin ng husto kung di sya lang eh.
It's even so freaky na tipong iniisip ko
palang ay alam na nya.


He knows what I look like in the morning
and before I go to sleep. He has endured
my singing voice and He has seen me
when I was sick and seen the worse
that I've ever looked. A day after
giving birth comes to mind.


Yes I may have close friends, girl friends
and really great friends who can give the
greatest of advise but at the end
of the day he really is the one that
I would turn to next to God of course.


We may have had our fights, disagreements
and moments na tipong ayoko na sya
makita pero sa kanya din naman ako
uli tumatakbo.

I love you Hon! I hope you come home
soon. I miss you so much!

Friends

My mom once asked me may bestfriend ka ba.
I said that wala. Kasi i have different sets of
friends and iba iba yung level of friendship namin.

Here's a bit of trivia about my dear friends
in no particular order.

Just thinking about it makes me smile.
I think would like to pay tribute to them somehow.

1.) Pinky- My confidant, my dear friend she
always takes time out to talk to me. To call
me and to find out how I am. Im so amazed
at how she balances and manages her time.
She's not just a friend I consider
her as my soul sister.

2.) Jem- She really made me realize na its not
easy to be SAHM ( Stay At Home Mom). Sa
mga kuento lang nya about how it is to stay
at home it gave new meaning to the word
" Ilaw ng Tahanan"

3.) Jovie- She made me realize that your
husband should be your number one
priority. Di dapat kids uunahin coz in the
end the kids will fly away in the end
kayo na lang dalawa ang maiiwan. Kung
may tanging ina sya po ang tanging
asawa

4.) Mia- She gives me good advice
specially in terms of discipline and
raising my daughter. She's so fun
to be with and a good mom at that.
She gave up a good career and stayed
home to raise her kids.

5.) Bet- A great mom. She reminds me that
it is possible to be a Work At Home Mom. She
has a lot valuable experience that I have
learned from.

5.) My Scrapbook Group- How I love
this girls kasi we really grew together
in terms of our scrapbook development.
I always look forward to our monthly
meetings. Kasi talagang masaya sya
tipong pag naka attend ka na once you look
forward to the next one.

6) N@W Family - I truly love this
group. There may have been ups
and downs but I still appreciate the
help, the support and the learning.

7.) Lali- This girl is like my sister
she's my cousin pero feeling ko mas
ate pa sya kaysa sa akin. Always
keeps me in line and tells me what to do.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

I've been taggedI got tagged by MICKEE
so here's my take

Random 10:
1. Im A Little Bit-- By MYMP
2. Wag na Wag Mong Sasabihin--
KITCHIE NADAL
3. Girl Be Mine -- FRANCIS MAGALONA
4. More & More -- GARY V
5. Colourblind-- DARIUS DANESH
6. Dreamlover-- MARIAH CAREY
7. You'll Always Be My Baby-- MARIAH CAREY
8. Runaway-- THE CORRS
9. Twin Hearts-- SARAH GERONIMO
10. Sukob Na--17:28

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
Madami eh. I cant even count kung gaano na sya kadami.

2. The last CD you bought is.. I just download the
song that I like.

3. What is the last song you listened to before this message?
I cant remember na
4. Write down five songs you listen to a lot
or mean a lot to you:

a. I'm A Little Bit
b. Walking After You( theme song namin baduy ba? )
c. Boys Dont Cry.. (fave song ng asawa ko)
d. Sukob Na (favorite song ko)
e. Free (favorite song ko rin)

5. Who are you gonna pass this stick to?
Cher, Coo of Sy & Son and Kuya Pepe. I'd like
to read about their perspective on this matter.

Happy Birthday Andie!

I initially wrote this for Andie's
5th Birthday Last January 26.

Happy Birthday my sweet little girl..
We've been through a lot this last
six months.. It was rough, tough,
bitter,sweet and joyful all at the same
time.

I read somewhere that a mother once
said to her daughter. You may not have
grown from my belly. But you grew
from my heart. That's exactly how I
feel about you.

I regret not being there when you were
born. Not rocking you to sleep. Not
watching take your first step or see
you blow your 1st candle.

But that's all in the past because I know
that we can face the future together.
My promise to you is that I will try my
best to find a way to fix your papers
so that you can really be ours. We will
never migrate without you. You our
part of our family and no one can
tell us otherwise.


Every day is exciting as I continue to watch
you grow. I want you to always know
that in good and bad times.
I will love you and that no matter
what you do or how you think or
what you say you can depend on
my support, guidance friendship and
I love you every minute of everyday
I love being your mother. I will always
be your mom no matter what and nothing
can ever change that.

Happy Birthday Andie!

We love you so much..

Daddy, Mom & Joshwa

The Verdict

Philbert is not going home just yet.
(Much to my disappointment)
Philbert wants to stay til May kung wala pa
talagang mangyari saka na daw sya uuwi. I was
really praying and asking God to help him.
Just when I was about to to lose hope and I
told him to go home na lang.
Tumawag daw yung agency nya may
interview daw sya sa Thursday.
I hope this is it. If di naman maybe he
will get "the break" that he needs in due time
and in God's time.

Please pray for us because this is a very difficult
time for me. But with your prayers and your
support I know I can do it and I know that this
to shall pass.

Dilemma

My Dilemma is should Philbert go home
or stay in the US. Ang hirap magdecide
kung uuwi ba sya o hindi. Kasi he left it
up to me. Sabi nya I tell him when I want
him to come home na. I want him to
come home.
I made a list of the PRO's and CON's .

Here are the PRO's if he stays there

• We could have a better future
• We could afford to send our kids to a good school
• There is a chance that we could go there to be with him

Here are the CONS if he stays there:

• The kids could grow up without a father
• There is a chance that It might take awhile before the kids can see him again
• The family won't be together for a long time.
• It might take awhile for everything to be finished here

Here are the PRO's if he goes home:

• We can be together as a family
• My kids will be so happy to see him and I will be too.

Here are the Cons naman if he goes home:

• He will have to look for another job since he quit his job here
• Everything will think that I'm stupid coz I asked him to go home.
• We'll be struggling again

Lucy Torres

I read about the Lucy Torres rumor
and to me that's all that it is a rumor.
I don't think it was ever really
confirmed. They say that they
have the tapes to prove it .
Sana nilabas na lang nila para matapos na.

I truly believe her. I truly believe
in her innocence. Feeling ko nga parang
ako lang yata naniniwala sa kanya.
But I do. Kasi kahit sino tanungin ko
they think she did it. They all hate her
they think that she's perfect. I really don't
understand that. Parang natutuwa
yung tao na puede din pala sya magkamali na
she's just like the rest of us.
I'm sure that she is just like
the rest of us. Kaya nga lang
she's married to Richard Gomez.

Im posting the Article of Lucy para naman
you can also read what she has to say

The shoplifting rumors
LOVE LUCY By Lucy Gomez
The Philippine STAR 01/30/2005

Over the weekend, I received an e-mail from Rizza,
my friend in Cebu. She forwarded me something she
received in her inbox, a story that was all about me.
It was entitled "Si Lucy naman" and I am sharing it
with you in full. Three separate e-mails were sent by
a Katherine, Lorraine and Raphael and they
forwarded it to no fewer than 33 e-mail addresses.
(By the way, I know their full names, e-mail
addresses and all the people they had forwarded
their messages to.) Please go through it first before
you go on reading the rest of my article.


Subject: Si Lucy na naman!
Narinig ko na itong story na ito shocking!
Now she shops daw with bodyguards following
her just to make sure na walang kukunin,
or kung meron man, binabalik na lang nila.
Nobody’s perfect talaga

Re: Fw: Tsismis naman tayo...
Si Lucy (asawa ni Richard),
nagsa-shopping sa Rustan’s. Tapos maya-maya,
nilapitan nung manager. Eto ang dialogue:
Manager: Ma’am, can we check your bag?
Lucy: No, this is my bag. It’s private property.
You don’t have the right to inspect it just
because you feel like it.
Manager: Actually, ma’am, since you’re on
our premises, we have every right to inspect it.
Bumigay na rin finally si Lucy.
At may nakitang perfume or wallet or watch
or something, di ko na maalala, dun sa bag niya.
Tapos tumawag yung manager kay Richard Gomez
at ibinalita na "Sir, we caught your wife shoplifting."
At ang sagot ni Richard ay buntong-hininga, sabay,
"Shoplifting? Again?" So pinagbayad lang naman ang
mag-asawa, pero hindi na ginawan ng storya. At yan
daw ang dahilan kung bakit medyo mabait si
Richard Gomez sa ABS-CBN ngayon. Kasi ABS owns
Rustan’s or they have a relationship or something
(I really don’t pay attention all that well, hehe),
so kapag napikon ang ABS kay Richard Gomez
, pwede nila ilabas yung surveillance tape of Lucy
bagging the...umm, something. Ayos, we have
our very own Winona Ryder! =)
Client ko ang ABS-CBN and nakwento na rin
nila eto sa min. Take note, reliable ang source
ko kasi somebody from the top management
etong kausap namin. Klepto nga daw si Lucy.
Sayang ‘no?! She’s beautiful pa naman, wala
talagang perpektong tao.


I wrote about this very same rumor on June 6, 2004.
If you read that, you probably remember my writing
that I would always choose to count my blessings
rather than dwell on something as mean as that.
And I meant it sincerely. It may not have been easy
turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to a nasty story
but that was how I chose to fight the battle at that
time. Why dignify it with an answer? Why even
try to explain and convince people that
it simply did not happen?


Let it be said that I was hoping it would die a
natural death, as I was sure it would.
I was banking on how baseless it was anyway.
I had never been fond of fanfare and gimmickry
and the last thing I wanted to do was call attention
to myself.


I do not seek publicity and I definitely am not one
of those who believe that publicity, good or bad,
is still publicity. Perhaps the main reason
I did not acknowledge the rumor specifically
then was because I felt that by doing so, I would
only succeed in spreading it some more.


Kris Aquino, who was the first to inform me,
tried to persuade me to stare it in the face,
so to speak, not by writing about it reservedly
(as I admit I did) but by bravely acknowledgin
g it in addition to exploring my legal options.
The one thing she told me that continuously
reverberates in my mind until now is that
"An urban myth, when perpetuated,
will soon become a legend."
And Kris was right all along. Not only was the
rumor perpetuated, it even became more
maliciously embellished along the way to
make it appear even more true.
I never realized people could be so mean.


Given the circumstances now, there is no reason
why I should be coy about it. It has spread far and
wide and by coming out to talk about it openly
I am, in a way, also acknowledging the severity of
the issue and coming to terms with what it actually
is: Pure character assassination. The only difference
then and now is that what was initially talked about
in whispers and hidden behind guessing games and
blind items is now declared. And all fingers are quick
to point at me.


There seems to be a concerted effort to hurt and
crush me, for what reason I really don’t know.
Perhaps I may never find out. All I know is that
although it is hurtful, offensive, and frustrating
all at the same time, this is not the kind of thing
that will kill my spirit.


Over the past few months, the same rumor that
started as a blind item in The Manila Standard
has grown incredibly by leaps and bounds and
the original story bloomed and grew to include
specifics. Whereas it started with me supposedly
shoplifting a Bulgari watch at Rustan’s, it also went
on to include shoplifting sprees at Tiffany
(still at Rustan’s). And if you go back to the e-mail
on this page, I apparently was also found
with a wallet and perfume. Dead on,
caught in the act. Why a wallet and perfume?
Are those not affordable?


The story goes on. Apparently, talk has it that
I shoplift not because I want to but because I need to.
The story, whatever the version, ultimately concludes
that I am a kleptomaniac, that my husband has
checked me into rehab for this behavioral disorder,
and that there was a conscious attempt on our
part to whitewash the whole incident.
If stories are to be believed, Richard
even paid off Rustan’s a handsome sum just so they
will keep the whole thing away from the prying eyes
of media and cover up the real story.

All this talk started to travel through the grapevine
in January 2004. It has been a year since.
Sadly for me, it has not died down.


My friend Mons was in a gathering and this
shoplifting story came up. Mons came to my defense
by saying that there was no truth to it, that she even
got to talk to the manager of Rustan’s –
even the owners themselves – all of whom denied
the supposed incident. She finally decided to rest her
case when she realized that although the people she w
as with acknowledged that it most probably was not
true, they still would rather believe that it was.
How else could you make heads or tails about some
of the things said in that gathering? "
It’s probably not true, but hayaan mo na.
At least it is nice knowing that Lucy is not perfect,
and that God is fair, after all." Another one added, "
Of course, she will deny she is a klepto. I
t is a disease and Lucy herself is not aware that
she is afflicted with it.


" Another friend of mine was at the parlor
where two well-dressed matrons were passing
off the story as Bible truth to whoever cared
enough to hear. "It is such a comfort knowing that
Lucy actually has a defect. Poor thing. But at least
no one is perfect pala talaga.


" Mayor JV Ejercito was at a gathering
and an ABS-CBN newscaster reportedly told JV:
"Mayor, alam mo ba that Lucy is a klepto?"


Many different people have also told me that a
relative of the owners of Rustan’s has been
confirming to people that the incident really
did happen. It makes people believe because
she is, after all, married to a Tantoco.
And Rustan’s is owned by the Tantocos.
A good friend of hers though came to her defense
and said that in fairness, whenever she is asked
she just chooses to neither deny nor confirm anything.
And that probably they just take her silence as a
confirmation and assume that it really is true.
Otherwise daw, how difficult can it be to say it isn’t so?


My friend who gets treatments at Marie France,
Makati, took me out to lunch before the holidays,
oblivious that I already heard that rumor as far
back as January of last year. It wasn’t until we
were almost about to start dessert that she really
took on a serious, somber tone. She finally said
that she was gathering enough guts to tell me that
her Marie France attendants were discussing
what a sad thing it was for someone like me to
turn out to be a klepto. My friend said that it wasn’t
true but the two therapists insisted that it really
was because earlier, they had serviced
two Rustan’s executives who told them
that they would actually be nervous whenever
I walk through the doors of Rustan’s because
they knew I would again be shoplifting.
Oh yes, and that these executives had
everything on tape, too.


Speaking of surveillance tapes, Karen Davila
supposedly has it in her possession and that
the station she belongs to is just waiting for
the right time to air it. Although I already
know what Karen has to say about it
(Richard was able to speak to her and
told her that if they really had a tape
to please go ahead and show it ASAP.
Perhaps doing so would really clear
the air and solve the mystery,
if you can call it that.) I am not in the
position to share with you what they
talked about. It’s best that it comes
straight from Karen’s mouth.
Suffice it to say that Karen
has denied commenting on it
on her radio program , denied too that
she was given the Rustan’s surveillance tape.


Ek Channel, a showbiz-oriented talk show that airs
every Saturday afternoon on ABS-CBN, featured
re-enacted segments for two consecutive Saturdays
detailing the crime I supposedly committed.
Although these were blind items on both occasions,
the clues they gave out apparently sounded enough
like me to make people I knew who happened to be
watching call and say that I was being maliciously
referred to. After the airing, a source from the station
told me that although they admittedly really had no
proof, the people behind the show still chose to air
the segments because it made for good copy.


In contrast, The Buzz (still an ABS-CBN show)
never touched on the topic. Kris, bless her,
was decent enough to fight for a factual approach
over and above a malicious gossipy one that was
purely based on hearsay. She told the people on her
show, most of whom insisted that there
really was a Rustan’s surveillance tape catching me
red-handed, that although she knew for a fact that
there was no truth to it she will go ahead and run the
story if and only if the show’s staff could produce the
tape to support their claim.


No one could produce a tape. No story was run.
And I have Kris to thank for that. What is even
more touching is that she did that on her own,
and I just found out about it by chance much,
much later.


Other friends of mine who were vacationing in the
States got wind of the rumor while they were there.
At a gathering, a gay employee from Rustan’s
was announcing to one and all that I was caught
shoplifting, and that all the employees from the
department store were called to a meeting and
informed of the incident. Then he delightedly
laughed and said "Ang saya, saya, hindi pala
talaga siya perfect. She really cannot have it all!
God is good!"


I lead a very normal life, I hardly ever go out,
and that is probably not dramatic enough for others.
That is probably why they have to spice it up by
concocting incredible incidents. I feel no need to
enumerate the reasons why the shoplifter they
created in their minds could not be me.
I don’t have to explain myself. My conscience
is clear and I know that all this will pass,
eventually. Maybe not anytime now,
not anytime soon. But it will – that much I believe.


If at all, what I really find hurtful about all
this is that there actually are people who
would happily embrace an untruth just to
make them feel better about their own lives.
Must you fault me for having what you think
is a perfect life? I never passed myself off as
perfect, neither did I ever rub on anyone’s face
that I lead a perfect life. Not that it should matter,
really, but I do not have a perfect life.
I do, however , have a very happy one,
but it is not without its share
of heartaches. Is that fair enough for you?
Happiness, more than being a choice,
is a blessing I enjoy. Must I be punished
and hated for that?


All that said, I dare those who claim to have
the Rustan’s surveillance tape to send it to
media. Make hundreds of copies, if you want,
and send them all out. If, for some reason,
you conveniently " lost" the tape,
present your witnesses – all those people you
know who strongly allege that they know for
a fact that I did it, or that they were actually
there when I did it.

Don’t just say "basta, a reliable source told me…"
Name your reliable source. Field them to the
tri-media. I’m sure the showbiz talk shows
will be more than happy to interview them
live on their show. And please do it soon.
Maybe then we will really get to the bottom
of this and find out the truth.
Play this game fairly. You accuse me –
now support your claim with facts,
not just with hearsay. Most of you probably
just heard about it from a friend
who in turn also just heard it from
a friend’s friend but by perpetuating
the rumor, you, too, share in the lie.


The world is round, what goes around
does come around and I have seen that
happen enough times to appreciate it as
a fact of life. Meanwhile, I anchor my
strength, as always, on a God greater
than even the nastiest rumor
that could ever be said about me.
There lies my peace of mind. And at the
end of each day,I sleep well knowing
that I have wronged no one,
stepped on no one. I really hope
you can say the same for yourself.

Life may not be fair, but God is.

Our Little Princess

My Baby Boy

I MISS HIM SO MUCH

ME: A Student???

I went out with my parents yesterday for breakfast.
While eating my mom has suddenly brought
up the idea that I should go back to school to
become a Special Education teacher. Parang
nasamid nga ako nung sinabi nya kasi I never
really thought of myself as a teacher.

Kasi parang di ako creative daanin ko na
lang sa tyaga. Saka reklamo ako reklamo about
how expensive it is to send my child to a
Special School. Baka this can be a challenge to
find out kung kaya ko ba and how far.
Malay nyo ako na lang magtuturo sa kanya.


So para di na talaga sya plano na lang,
I decided to do something about it so
nag inquire na ako. I wanted to try UP
kaya lang grades daw tinitignan.
So di na lang dun.. May isa akong school
napagtanungan well I hope this goes well
Kasi pag pumalpak lagot ako kasi ako
magbabayad tuition ko.

I also enrolled myself in a non degree course sa
UP Open University para masabi ko sa sarili
at sa mga anak ko na at one time nag aral din ako sa
University of the Philippines
The title of the course is
CARING FOR THE SPECIAL CHILD.
Sana matuloy na itong mga plano ko..
Kung matutuloy ito God will provide
the provisions and the way for me to do so.
Kung hindi naman maybe di pa ngayon ang time.

Prayer for Propsperity

Someone sent me this email.. Iniisip ko baka lang makatulong sya..



Heavenly Father, most Gracious and Loving God
I pray to you that you abundantly bless my family
and me. I know that you recognize, that a family
is more than just a mother, father, sister, brother,
husband and wife, but all who believe and trust in you.

Father, I send up a prayer request for financial
blessing I know that that the power of joined prayer
by those who believe and trust in you is more
powerful than anything. I thank you in advance
for your blessings.


Father God,deliver us from debt and debt burdens.
Release your Godly wisdom that I may be a good
steward over all that You have given me


Father, for I know how wonderful and mighty
you are and how if we just obey you and walk in
your word and have the faith of a mustard seed
that you will pour out blessings.

I thank you now Lord for the recent blessings
I have received and for the blessings yet to come
because I know you are not done with me yet.
In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

Sumbong ng Isang Mommy

Maraming adventures si Joshwa lately
like naka-akyat sa bubong namin.
Nalingat ang bagong yaya at nakalabas
ng bubong buti na lang di nahulog. ..
We had to let the yaya go nung nag paalam
sya coz that was the second
accident nung sya ang nagbabantay.
The 1st one naiwan nya bukas ang
door nakalabas si Joshwa muntik na masagasaan
buti na lang nahawakan sya.


Joshwa will be going to school in June
sa Odea International School (pangalan lan yan
di talaga sya presyong International School)
Mas mahal pa ata ng 10k kung sakaling gawin
kong whole day ang ABA( applied behavioral
analysis behavior modification program)
kaya dun na lang kami uli 3x a week na ABA
plus school and OT & Speech pagdating ng June.


I have been feeling so guilty that I could
only afford to pay for the
OT and Speech and nothing else.
Sa sobrang di na kami makabayad
binitawan na kami ng ABA nya.
I understand and hold no grudge
against the center kasi negosyo yan eh.
Very lucrative ang business ng special kids.
( di ako sarcastic totoo ito)


Things have been hard for us lately as
far as finances are concerned.
Umalis ang husband ko papuntang
US para mag work. So hopefully by
June makaka enroll na si Joshwa.
Please help me pray for my husband
na maging okay sya US. Kasi in all honesty di
namin ma-afford ang services ng therapy centers
and help for my son kung walang money.


The foundation that I want Joshwa to get into is
BMAC ( Behavioral Management
for Autistic Children).Pero suerte lang ang
nakakapasok. 1 1/2 years na kaming waitlisted
tapos nag pa assess na si Joshwa sa kanila nung
November. Ang feedback na narinig ko ay parang
gusto nung Directress na i-pasok sa program
si Joshwa dun sa 15k a month (which is the lowest
the highest is at 60k a month) Kaya ko yan kung
sa kalsada kami nakatira at di kami kakain.
In all honesty di ko talaga kaya sya bayaran.
Kung kaya lang namin why would
we go through all that trouble of completing the
requirements at the expense of my son and the
help that he could get?


Im just a frustrated mom. I want all of what's
best for my son. It's hard to have a special child.
Ang hirap sa kalooban ng isang nanay na nakikita
mo nahihirapan ang anak mo tapos wala kang
magawa. Lalo na pag may masakit sa kanya kasi
di na nya masabi kung saan talaga masakit.

Happy Birthday Joshwa!

Happy Birthday to my dearest baby Joshwa. It's been 4 years since you were born.. I keep thinking were has the time gone my baby is such a big boy? . We celebrated your birthday in a different way. I initially wanted to have a party but we had to attend a family reunion on January 15. Your Inay suggested that why not celebrate your birthday at their home in Jala-jala Rizal. It was fun a lot of people came to greet you a Happy Birthday. Your Inay prepared a sumptous lunch, Tita Beth & Tito JR bought cake and ice cream.

Only one person was missing your daddy. . I miss your dad so much.. I'm sure he would have wanted to be here to watch you blow out your candle. Daddy misses us so much and he stayed in the United States because he wanted to give you a good future. He wants to send you to a good school that will help you but we couldn't afford to send you there if Daddy was here. He loves us so much that he was willing to make that sacrifice.

I don't want you to forget that you have a Daddy who loves you and always thinks about you. My only wish is that we would be with Daddy..I don't know when or how.. Whether we will go there or daddy will come home. I know in my heart that day will come.

I love you so much Joshwa.. Happy Birthday!!

I know that this is a dramatic and sentimental and mushy entry.. Im just depressed because I miss my husband so much.

We both decided it would be best if he stayed behind in the US to test the waters. I don't know if I'll ever get used to the idea that he's not here anymore. I miss him so much. I feel this void in my heart and this lump in my throat. I feel like such a crazy person always crying. I couldn’t even stand to look at our photos or his clothes. I know I’ll start crying again. Some might say well he's not dead yet.. Well that's true also basta I just miss him so much..

This was the hardest thing that I’ve had to do. It took every ounce of self control not to tell him that I don’t think I can do it. I know that If I do tell him that I can’t do it. He would definitely go home with me. I love him so much that I want to try to let him go despite the pain that I’m feeling right now.I know they all tell me that I’ll get used to it. How do I get used to the fact that he isn’t there? This pain that I feel won’t go away.

I’m really trying my best to be strong and keep things together. It’s tough.. really rough.. I know people are so happy that he has decided to try his luck there in the US.. I’m happy that’s he finally decided to try.. But I felt sad because I miss my best friend, my husband, my lover and my worst critic all rolled into one. He is the one person in this whole world who can truly say that he knows me.. .

Before I left I had to make a very difficult decision either to stay with him or go home to be with the kids. I chose to stay with my children.

To those wives out there who are physically separated from their husbands. How do you cope with the loneliness? Does it really get better in time?

Vacation Highlights

Before Dec. 11 -- cramming for the wedding; trimming wedding special effects: unity candle (here it is in a set of 3--2 small ones and a big one); veil; coin and ring holders; garters and the bridesmaids gown.We rehearsed on the 9th and then dinner.

Dec. 11 -- wedding activities. We were so blessed because the sun came out for 80's temp. Just the week before the temp dropped lowest in the past 80 years in LA. So the briight sunny day was God's gift as we were wearing barong and I was in formal gown and the beautiful bride was in off-shoulder gown. The wedding was at 2 but reception was at 6:30 to give time for newly weds to have photos taken to include the sunset shots. The reception was held at the Castaway overlooking part of LA. Beautiful place! They had to move wedding a week early to get the place and all they can book was the smallest function room with the view. Good thing it had an adjacent terrace. We partied til about 11. It was such fun!


Dec. 14 -- The whole family including newlyweds and my lola (9 of us) headed for the East Coast. We got to SUPER COLD JFK before 9 and home at my Ninang Stella's house to a HEARTY warm dinner. Pig out!


Dec 15--We took Manhattan on the chilly 15th, divide the group between first timers and vets. We went to Empire State Building and The Statue of Liberty.. Then an unplanned dinner at my Aunt's place at the Yonkers.


Dec. 16 -- We left early for DC with a rented van. Got there mid afternoon. We drove around starting off from Capitol Hill and landed between the White House and the monument and took tons of photos. The group had dinner at Tita Flor's family's residence in Virginia. Syempre pa, pig out again. Forget low fat!!! We divided the group between the young and the restful. With the young staying with my new bro-in-law's family friends who were also sponsors to the wedding.

Dec 17--- We went to 2 Museums, Lincoln Memorial and Arlington Cemetery. Then we went to a Chinese Buffet for Dinner.


Dec. 18 -- we headed north to Jersey passing by to visit our dear priest family friend at the Shrine of St. John Neumann in Philly. We had dinner and spent the night in New Jersey at my Ninang Shag's home .. Feasted again. Forget diet altogether!!!


Dec. 19 -- The Good Lord heard our prayers. It SNOWED!!! But not too much, only 3 inches. That allowed our schedule to go as planned. We went to Central Park, Fao Schwarz(sp), Toys R Us, ( grabe may ferris wheel sa loob), Rockefeller Center & Times Square.


Dec. 20 -- Weather was high at 20!!! That's negative in Centrigade. May wind chill factor pa. Kaya effectively negative even in Farenheit! So we had to do most indoors. We started late with a buffet Japanese lunch. Now that was some SUMO meal we had!!! Ang sarap!!! We still decided to visit the Met. Was so excited to see the MET. The dramatic stari climb from the car made me feel like I was appearing in Dr. Zhivago. Got to the door finally very much in need of the heat, until we were told - "Museum closed on Mondays!" Duh!!
Bwiiiiiiiiiiiissseeeeeeeeeeetttt! Anyway, shopping na lang kami around Union Square. Ay mali shopping na lang sila tapos tag along na lang kami ni Philbert.



Dec. 21 -- Back to L.A. It was great to be back there kasi medyo warm ang weather pero just the same I had fun in the East Coast..


Dec 23 -- I've been waiting all my life to go to Disneyland. We were there for 13 hours!!! It got really chilly at night and becasue of the wind, the electrical and fireworks shows were cancelled. Bad trip!!! And to think we waited over 2 hours for that!!! I missed Joshwa and Andie.. Im sure they would really enjoy Disneyland.


Christmas Eve -- Lola, Mama and I prepared Noche Buena dinner at my bro-in-law's house for our family his family and our relatives from Lemon Grove. Then we opened our gifts.


Christmas Day -- We had dinner at My Aunt's family residence and had really fun party. We sang and had lots of wacky games. It was really fun and we ended at 3 a.m.


Dec. 26 - Went to the outlet with Cathy.. It was fun..

Dec 27-- Laundry day

Dec 28-- It was Philbert's 32 nd Birthday.. We just had chinese take out for Lunch. My sister bought Cheescake which was used as his birthday cake during dinner..


Dec 29--Played Pictionary and Cranium all day..

Dec 31-- We went to Tita Baby's house coz it was Ritchie's bday.. ( brother sya ng BIL ko)

Jan 1-- It was time to go home..

This is one of my favorite Christmas Poems of all times..


'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(or A Visit from St. Nicholas)
by Clement Clarke Moore


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the housenot a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds,while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.


When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.Away to the window I flew like a flash,tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.


The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snowgave the lustre of midday to objects below,when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.


With a little old driver, so lively and quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.More rapid than eagles, his courses they came,and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Dasher! Now Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
On, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch!To the top of the wall!Now dash away! Dash away!Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky so up to the house-top the courses they flew,with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.


And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roofthe prancing and pawing of each little hoof.As I drew in my head and was turning around,down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound


He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack


His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.He had a broad face and a little round belly,that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.


He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.A wink of his eye and a twist of his headsoon gave me to know I had nothing to dread


He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.And laying his finger aside of his nose,and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.


He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Day 2

Today is my second day and jet lag is trying to catch up with me. I slept the whole afternoon. Grabe ang ginaw parang nasa aircon na todo ang thermostat pero di mo mahanap ang switch. Naka heater na kami pero super lamig pa rin. But I can't complain Im really having a great time. I met up with my Brother in law at around 7pm. We had dinner and we went to different stores. Philbert bought a new pair of pants as for me I just bought a new bag from Victoria's Secret. Then we went home. When we got home dumating na rin si Mama from the airport. I don't know for some reason sometimes I love her to death but sometimes I just can't being around her. I guess she can be too domineering at times lalo na when it comes to what I eat and how I should eat.

Day 1

After one week of preparing and packing and last minute shopping. Im finally here and It's been great. I missed my sisters and it really feels great to be here. Grabe!Ibang iba pala talaga dito. This is a whole new place and I have a lot of exploring to do. One thing that is just so sad is I miss my kids. This is what I did as soon as I got off the plane..We went to get our luggage then customs then I saw my sister Rhanesa. Haayy.. I missed her so much. I haven't seen her in 2 years. Then I finally met her fiance Geof. Then we went to eat out at Sanamluang a very popular Thai Restaurant. Then I went to see my lola and some cousins then it was time to head for my sister's new home.WOW!! it was such a beautiful house.. Di sya apartment lang.. tipong 3 big rooms tapos 3 t & b's and little garden. I love it.. I'll post photos later on.

Samut-Sari

My sister Grishan and her son Brox left the Philippines to embark on a new journey. A trip to the United States. I know i'll miss them both so much but in my heart I know that this is what she wants to do and I'm happy for both of them.I'll see them in 10 days.Which reminds me that I have to start packing for our trip.


Andie's yaya gave birth today.. Initially Yaya Bing (Joshwa's yaya) thought na she had appendicities (sp?) kasi she was vomitiing and she couldn't stand up.That's why she wanted to be brought to the hospital. When they arrived at the hospital. Dun na lang nalaman that she was pregnant.Kasi she kept saying may lalabas na. Initially ayaw nya pa umamin na buntis sya. But when they did a urinalysis. Wala na talagang kawala di na sya nakapag sinungaling.

When Yaya Bing called me I was in Greenbelt attending a despedida for a friend. Punta agad ako sa Pasay General Hospital .I didn't even know she was pregnant. .. I asked her if she was pregnant last month coz someone told me that she looked pregnant. She denied it.


Apparently she told the nurse at the hospital she didn't want the baby but didn't have a choice natakot daw mag pa-abort (which was good).I don't know what will happen kung aalagaan ba nya yung baby or ipapauwi nya sa province with her mom. One thing is for sure she can expect a very loonnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg sermon that she'll never hear the end of. I know the question that will always be asked how could you not know?I guess I just took her word for it.


Nakakainis pa is they ask you to buy na sobra dun sa gagamitin nila. Saka di pa sabay sabay ang bibilhin sa pa-unti unti na pagbili sa napakadaming reseta inabot na ng 3k.. Di pa kasama yung babayaran sa hospital. Buti na lang I have money with me what If wala naku po kawawa naman sya..



I felt guilty because I always take her to the grocery and the mall whenever I have to do some shopping. Surprisingly I'm not angry at her.. I guess I feel more of a concern. Had she told me that she was pregnant. I would have helped her prepare for the baby. Lucky for her I kept most of Joshwa's baby clothes and things so puede ko pa sya pahiramin..

Spirits 2004 & Ultimate Frisbee

I had the pleasure of being able to watch an international tournament last weekend. It was THE BOMB! I had a great time... It really made me miss playing frisbee. The level of play was EXCELLENT & AMAZING to say the least.I have great pictures and I'll be posting them soon. One amazing part was not during the game but after the game when the local and foreign players were willing to exchange jerseys. That was amazing.. There was this great SAMBA band after the final game and most of the people were dancing and it was so cool..


Ultimate Frisbee is really one great sport.Kahit bano ako dyan I'll really stick to that. It's not just a sport its really a community and your team is really like your family.. I love that Game.Iba yung excitement.. Iba yung level of adrenalin..

Thanks

Thanks so much for the kind words that you shared with me.It made me feel so much better.
Everything seems quiet for now. Which makes me nervous? Have a great weekend.. Thanks
so much for always finding the time to read my rants and raves about anything and everything.

A Poem By Robert Frost

I totally love this poem. It was the first poem that I memorized because I loved it so much and not because it was assigned to me. What really struck me was the last stanza of this poem.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Favorite Quote

I haven't blogged in a week.. Let me just leave you with you this favorite quote:

**I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.**

Noah Calhoun
The Notebook

Happy Birthday to Me..

I celebrated my 28th Birthday today.. I just went to the Zoo with the Kids and my husband plus our two household angels.. Then it was off to the mall for a bit of shopping. Its sort of a tradition between us when Its my birthday I give Philbert something like a shirt or something that I know he will use. Then we ate dinner then we went home. We all had a good time.


I feel blessed because I really do appreciate the blessings that I have. To be honest I really do know who my friends are.. The greatest gift that I received for my birthday is the blessing that God loves me so much and He will never let me down. Thanks so much to everyone who greeted and kept me in their thoughts during this special day.

Andie & Joshwa's Photos

Here are some photos of Andie & Joshwa




My Little Lady




Ready For Bed





Say Cheese





Bored

If I Ain't Got You

I really love this song.. Super!!!! Baduy ba sabihin na para kay Philbert yung song.. Anyway, blog ko naman. Paunlakan nyo na lang ako :)

by Alicia Keys

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
define what’s within
And I been there before but that life’s a bore,
so full of the superficial


Chorus:

Some people want it all,but I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby, if I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything
But everything means nothing if I ain't got you, yeah
Some people search for a fountain
The promise is forever young
(You know) Some people need three dozen roses
And that’s the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share with, no one who truly cares for me


Chorus:

Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby, if I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything
But everything means nothing if I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby, if I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything
But everything means nothing if I ain't got you, yeah
If ain't got you with me baby, ohh, ooo
Say nothing in this whole wide world don’t mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby x2

Forgiveness

After a week of craziness, I’m glad that this week is over. I just want it to be December already. I’m so excited about this trip. I feel bad that I can't take Joshwa with me. As much as I want to but because he has so many sensory issues like ear sensitivity, claustrophobia and hyperactiveness. His therapist feels that he is not up for the flight yet.. At least he has a new sister to accompany him when he goes to his grandparents for the holidays.

I was blog hopping and I saw something that struck me. Someone was saying that she wished she could have reached out to me because she understands me. Wow... That is so cool. I really thought she didn’t like me after what I did who would right? It is something that I have been including in my prayers.

Forgiveness... I have done a lot of stupid things to so many people I always prayed to God that somehow they will forgive me. I don't expect them to talk to me or anything. I just always pray that God will always be good to them and bless them with a forgiving heart.

I’ve been attending this cell group every Monday and it has been so amazing. I see so many changes in me... The important thing that I have learned is to TRUST. I always thought that I wasn't worthy anymore. But God loves me so much that I feel that he made me a new person. He taught me to trust in him. When things don't go well I just say a short prayer and somehow God makes me see that he's in control of my life. Because as much you want to run your life without God somehow it doesn’t work out and we feel, angry, afraid and frustrated. I know I did...

I think that's where my depression started to come in. I wasn't in control and I blamed myself. A good example is like driving a car. I just gave the steering wheel to God and I'm his backseat driver. A classic example in my life is my husband. We used to fight a LOT as in shouting matches and breaking of things and almost walking away. But with God's help he taught me to forgive the sins and forget the past and now we don’t fight at all. Yes we argue but we don't fight anymore.

When I found out that Rio Diaz-Cojuangco passed on. I said to myself she's with the Lord now. She's a classic example of loving and following God inspite of not despite of. I’m just so glad that God gave me the peace of mind that I've long been searching for. Eventhough ang daming problems somehow di na ako tensed kasi di ako pababayaan ni God and I say AMEN to that

The Notebook

I watched this wonderful, beautiful film yesterday knowing absolutely nothing about it and was totally captivated by its softness, delicacy and truth-a combination not often seen in American movies. I saw no crime, no bloodshed and no guns but the human drama that was played out before our wet eyes was that which we can all relate to through all the convolutions of human existence.


I don't watch movies that I don't think I'll like; therefore, in the first minute I know that this is going to be watchable and if it is, then I have no eye for mistakes-if the movie has swept me in I am its captive and I will care nothing for possible mistakes. If I'm not mistaken the first scene was that beautiful image of Noah rowing a boat in the darkening evening on one of those lugubrious South Carolina rivers-I was hooked! I was not disappointed until I saw the ending credits and I have nothing but superlatives for the acting, the script, the camera work, as well as the direction. Just the staging with those beautiful classic cars rolling around rural Carolina should be enough to win over any naysayer.


This was a very heartbreakingly beautiful love story. I feel that it's one of the best films/stories I've ever seen. And, I feel that the actors did a very good job portraying their characters. Ryan Gosling and Rachel Mc Adams are both really attractive,sensual and endearing as the young couple. Their story is both beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time, at the end. I wish that I could find someone who loves as Noah did, with every fiber of his being; never giving up hope that his true love would return to him. Only to have to lose her over and over, day after day, as age and an unforgiving disease steal her mind/memories away. James Garner and Gena Rowlands are superb!


Im not ashamed to say that I was crying while I was watching the movie. I was so moved by the movie. I want a love like that. I really hope that Philbert and I will grow old together. I hope that no one dies ahead of the other. I hope we both die at the same time..

My New Blog

I love my blog's new look. I couldn't have done it without this sweet friend of mine.Thanks so much for my dear friend Jeanny for helping me out. You are my fairy blog-mother.
I can't thank you enough. God Bless.

ANDIE

Andrea or Andie as I call her is my new daughter she's 4 years old.. I'm still trying to figure out kung ano ang second name nya. Gusto nga din palitan yung Andrea kaya lang sanay na sya dun. She's a truly blessing to us coz I remember trying to get pregnant na pero di na ako mabuntis according to the doctor I have secondary inferitility tapos nasabayan pa ng remark ng remark ng MIL ko na kaya ka di mabuntis kasi nabalutan na ng taba ang ovaries mo.
I was so depressed. So I prayed to God..I really want a daughter. Lo and behold this friend calls me up and asks me gusto ko daw ba si Andrea. Akala ko nagbibiro sabi ko sure sabi nya dadalhin daw nya sa house and she wasn't joking the next day dala na nya sa house ko ang dala nya lang is yung damit na suot nya and one extra dress and one underwear. So taranta talaga ako mag shopping ng underwear and clothes for her. Then pinasok ko sya sa school sa katabi ng bahay namin. As for the mom di na sya bumalik sa house ko, Now when she wants to talk to her daughter she just texts me to call her. Im now trying to find a lawyer to help me with the adoption process. Hopefully magka ayos na kami nitong lawyer na kausap ko.
We are not rich.. Therapy pa nga lang ni Joshwa mabigat na. But I've always believed that God will always provide kung will nya na Andie is for us then Im sure he'll help us na pagkasyahin kung ano ang andyan. We love her so much we could never imagine what our life would be without her.
Mayroon din nagsabi na baka mahati ang pagmamahal namin kay Joshwa and Andie.I don't think so. Velvet my friend once told me that a mother love is so great that it can be divided into so many parts and yet pantay pa rin. Ive really realized na totoo talaga yan. Based din sa kuento ng mga iba ko bang friends.

I've always believed that adoption is one of the highest forms of unconditional love although not everyone is meant to adopt kasi di lahat kaya magmahal ng di nya kadugo. I learned this lesson from the Hubby ni CG and Mother Gem.
I know that the threat is always there na bumalik yung nanay na bawiin yung anak nya. For me okay lang yun basta alam ko talagang aalagaan na nya and mabibigyan na nya magandang kinabukasan. I will not say na di sya masakit. It will be very painful i hope that never happens but if it does then maybe she wasn't meant for us.

Visa

Today is just one of those happy days.. Finally nakakuha na rin kami ng visa. After 3 days of cramming it finally paid of. Ganun pala talaga yun.

Di mo talaga alam kung hinanahanap sa yo at kung ano itatanong sa inyo..

Eto ang kuento ko. ..

Dumating kami ng 1:30PM. Dapat earlier pa kasi 2 PM ang appointment kaso naman umulan malakas bumaha pa. Pagdating namin dun pumunta kami sa Pavillion sa Window 1 tapos tinignan yung photo dun sa visa application. Phil and Brox's photo were rejected kasi pangit pala sa digi photo masyadong maliwanag. But just the same binigyan na kaming lahat ng number. After 10 minutes bumalik na sila pina barcode na yung application form tapos punta na kami sa window B tapos tinignan ang application form para malaman na okay na sya. Pumunta na kami sa waiting area

that was the longest 1 1/2 hours of my life.

Tagal maghintay pero kakaaliw yung mga tao. Mayroon dun bank manager sya daming dala and yet na deny sya. Kinabahan ako dun..Kami sya nga nadeny madaming papeles paano kaya kami. Then mayroon group of kids sa likod namin 8 kids to be exact sibblings pala sila. Kasama parents nila. Nabigyan sila ng visa. Imagine 10 sila kasi pati parents ata nila kumuha. Wish na lang ako sana dun kami mapunta. Just my luck dun kami napunta. In fairness.. Cute sya.

Here are some of the questions na tinanong sa amin baka sakaling nag hahanda na din kayo pumunta sa US baka makatulong sa inyo.Eto ang dialogue namin:

Consul: Whats the purpose of your visit?

Me: To attend the wedding of my sister.

Consul: Where might that be?Me: In Los Angeles

Consul: (turns to Philbert and asks) what is your line of work?

Phil: Im in Information Technology, (then proceeds to discuss his line of work technical na sya so di ko naintindihan)

Consul: Do you have plans to work there?

Phil: No, because i know that IT's are already being outsourced from other countries.

Consul: Yeah that's true IT's in the US go to other countries to get work.

Consul: What about you? where are you working?

Me: Im working for our family business

Consul: Which side?

Me: My dad owns the company

Consul: What kind of business are you in?

Me: I discussed kung ano line of work and biz namin

Consul: (to Phil) What does your brother do in the US?

Phil: I'm not really familiar with his line of work there.All I know is that he is an accountant

Consul: What does your sister do in the US?

Me: She's working for a home care agency as Payroll Assistant.

Consul: (to Phi)l: Will it be hard for you to get a vacation from your boss?

Phil: Not really because December is really a slow month.

Consul: How long are you planning to stay?Me: 30 days max

Consul: Want to show me anything.. Ngek di ko alam kung ano ipapakita ko sa dami. If there was such a thing as being over prepared we were it. Name it we have it. Pictures, properties, car registrations and etc. Pero naman di sa amin yun sa tatay ko.

Me: Here's the wedding invitation and the letter of support from my dad and cert from the bank. Because he'll be financing the trip.

Consul: Do you have Joshwa's birth certificate? How old is he?Me: He is 3 years old and I hand him the birth certificate.

Consul: Okay then everything's great.( He hands us the yellow paper)Go to the pavillion then pay for the courier's fee to have your visa delivered. We usually give single entry visa's since you're a first timer.

That was it.. I couldn't even believe it till we paid for the courier's fee.. Ganun katagal bago nagsink in. Di ko alam kung suerte lang at nakakuha kami. Palagay ko will of the Lord ito.. We literally stormed the heaven's with prayers. My mom asked all her priest friends to pray for us. Ako naman I kept going to http://adorationsisters.org/requests.html to make a prayer request and I asked the my tita's cell group to also pray for us. It worked, it really worked.. Im just so happy.. .