Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Salamin (Pangalawang Bersyon)

Lagi kong tinitignan ang aking sarili sa salamin.
Sa tuwing mananalamin ako nakikita ko ang aking sarili pero
parang di ko gusto ang aking nakikita.
May mga araw na sinasabi kong ang taba ko na.
May mga araw na sinasabi ko na ang pangit ng aking kutis.
Bakit nga ba puro pangit na lang ang aking nakikita
Sa tuwing nakatingin ako sa salamin?

Isang gabi bago ako matulog tumingin ako sa salamin nagulat ako may
isang babaeng nakatingin at nakangiti sa akin.Bigla akong nagisip
kung sino nga ba yun?At yun ay walang iba kung di ako.

Kaya ngayon habang tintignan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin
bigla kong naisip na di ko dapat laiitin ang aking sarili.
Naisip kong karapat dapat din palang purihin at dapat mahalin.
At ako ay napangiti magisa habang nakatitig sa aking sarili dito sa
harap ng salamin.


Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Ang Salamin ( Unang Bersyon)

Lagi kong tinitignan ang aking sarili sa salamin.
Sa tuwing mananalamin ako nakikita ko ang aking sarili pero
parang di ko gusto ang aking nakikita.
May mga araw na sinasabi kong ang taba ko na.
May mga araw na sinasabi ko na ang pangit ng aking kutis.
Pero ngayon habang tintignan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin
bigla kong naisip na di ko dapat laiitin ang aking sarili.
Naisip kong karapat dapat din palang purihin at dapat mahalin.
At ako ay napangiti magisa habang nakatitig sa aking sarili dito sa
harap ng salamin.

Monday, December 08, 2003

Im currently coping with depression. Ive been journalling my thoughts, the pains and the struggles that Im going thru. I have a depressive disorder. But then what is depressive disorder? A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Before I got help, I had been depressed for as long as I can remember. I'm now 27 years old, but even when I was a child, I can remember never feeling right. I never felt that I was worth anything. I was always extremely quiet. I was able to make friends at school, but socially, I lacked the ability to interact with others as easily as my peers.I always remember feeling sad, worthless, and like it wouldn't have mattered if I was never born.I was feeling all sorts of different emotions at times I was so sad and I wanted to cry and die without knowing why. I wanted the feeling to go away. It did or so I thought…My depression came back shortly after I had my first child. I was extremely weepy and had incredible up-and-down mood swings. For approximately a year, I went on feeling this way, and every day I seemed to become more irritable and edgy.My biggest problem was admitting something was wrong. In my mind I felt like such a failure about not being able to handle my life situations. Having a baby had changed our lives and I had a very hard time accepting the baby was there and that he needed me. I felt he was better off with out me. I never felt I would harm my child, but I did harm myself.I had feelings of worthlessness, that kind of feeling that you always feel you’re not alive but just existing. I never felt that I had accomplished the things that I want to or feel I should have and yet I don't have the energy to do them. It’s feeling disconnected from people in my life, even friends and family who care about me. It's not wanting to get out of bed some mornings and losing hope that life will ever get better."I think the whole thing really affected my relationships with people, I was pretty much a jerk all of the time. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I just wanted them to leave me alone. The last straw was when my bestfriend walked out on me and never bothered to explain why she did it. That jolted me and made me think that maybe I did need help. I have lost everything but decided to take that road just the same. In order to find out who my friends are and to understand where my life is going. The journey is long,hard, rough and tough. I have yet to get to the part when I can tell my self that I'm okay.I have lots of questions but there are two questions that I have asked myself time and time again and still remains to be answered. Who am I? What is my purpose? I wish I can answer that question but I cant. I've long realized that there can be only one person who can help me with this journey to self discovery and that person is ME.


Friday, November 28, 2003

It takes the greatest effort to get out of bed in the morning.
I am tired all day, yet when night comes, sleep evades me.
I stare at the ceiling, wondering what has happened to my
life, and what will become of me. Nothing is getting done
at work. I have projects to complete, but I can't think. I try
to focus on my work, and I get lost. I keep wondering when
the boss will discover how little I have accomplished. Hon
does not understand. He keeps telling me to "snap out of it."
Everytime I think i'm going crazy i've tried to reach out
but no one would take my hand.. I'm lost, alone and afraid.
I'm irritable all the time, and yell all the time, then I feel
terrible later. Nothing is fun any more. I tried to tell my mother
even she thought that I lacked self confidence and she
suggested that it's mind over matter. Sometimes I think
about how fun it would be if i just jumped off the building.I
I am bored, but I feel like doing nothing. There are times,
when I'm alone, that I think that life is hopeless and meaningless,
and I can't go on much longer.


Saturday, November 15, 2003

I was 23 years old when I was pregnant with my first child. Innocent as a child myself, I thought having a child meant rocking the cradle to the tune of " Rock a Bye Baby." Or that I would bring the new baby to the mall and parks and to our annual family vacation, where everyone would admire my new maternal glow.

In childbirth, under long and intense labor, I did not feel alone. I remember feeling shocked that there was a real living baby at the end of this ordeal, part of which involved a caesarian Section. When they put the baby in my arms, I couldn't make anything fit: I was all elbows and tensed shoulders, and my son wasn't the least interested in nursing --the sharing ended here. I remember the moment of numbness of pain and the gamut of emotions that I felt. Although we shared a lot of things I believed that this was one experience that I would have to do alone.

The staff moved me to a regular hospital room. I think I made a mistake when I asked them to give the baby to me. Being weak, hungry and tired, I struggled to rise whenever my son a cried, and my little son cried for hours. The wearier I became, the more loneliness yielded to terror. I had no idea how to feed him, even bathe him or even hold him. It looked so easy, witnessing other moms do what they had to with so much simple grace. Thinking that when my son came along it would be easy as well, I was in for a surprise.

When I came home, my family made time to welcome me and the baby. My husband took a week off. My sister in law stayed for a day. But soon enough everyone had business to attend to, and at his or her departure I struggled to learn what mothering really is. I always knew that I was willing to learn but the question remained: What made me such a failure at this mothering business?

All that year, I would cradle my son in my arms at home, before I left for the office or as soon as I got home after work. If I wasn't with my sweet baby my head would tilt back with that same dizzy happiness just thinking of him. And much of the rest of the time I battled the motherhood guilt: that I should be taking care of him. But I kept reminding myself that it was not my choice to leave a newborn baby in the care of others.

I despaired that I would find a way to do something with my time while my son was asleep. The minute the baby's eyes closed, I sat down in front of the computer and wrote without so much as a blink to collect my thoughts. Sometimes I was so tired when my baby slept that I longed to sleep myself. Sometimes, eating my lonely lunch, I pictured myself in a big house my son with a yaya in a uniform and bringing him to me only for breastfeeding doing all the things that I was supposed to do. While smiling at myself I'd suddenly hear a loud wail that would jolt me back to reality.

My sweet mother in law would sometimes tease me that she'd be willing to take care of my son. The catch was she lived far away from where we lived. Call it crazy or attribute it to post partum depression, but I entertained the notion for all of three seconds. What would jolt me back to reality? My son's sweet smile, offered with his uncanny possessive stare.

I wrote an article and I sent to a local newspaper, not even hoping that they would publish my article. But they did: it even came out on our anniversary. There it was. I was a writer and I was a mother. For the first time, I understood the connection of this relationship. Before motherhood, I had tried so hard to write but nothing came out of it. After motherhood, I worked whenever I could. Realizing that I actually had something to say, I now understood that there was so much material I could use because of the experiences I didn't have before I had my son.

Nothing saddens me more than hearing one mother compare herself to another and think herself better than the other mothers for the way she has tried to work out the balance of child and self and work in those early mothering years. Motherhood is a work in progress some of us are actually good at domestic jobs and still keep their careers. Some of us feel like they live in the kitchen, while others feel like going to the kitchen will actually drive them crazy. There are those who space out, and others who want to go on. Some of our children need us to be fulfilled in what we do, and some of our children need us to put our careers on hold for a few years and attend to them. It seems to me that we should celebrate all kinds of mothers. Mothers aren't perfect. I always think that mothering is caught and not taught.

In my moments of solitude I thought that motherhood was keeping me from myself, but again and again that first year my child reminded me that motherhood helped to me deepen sense of self.


Monday, November 10, 2003

Naglalaban ang aking puso at isip
Ano bang dapat kong gawin
Gusto kong magsalita at magkuento tungkol sa mga
Bagay bagay at kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin.
Ngunit sino ang makikinig?Sino ang kakausap
Sa mga sandaling ako’y nangungulila at
Nakakaramdam ng kawalan at pagdurusa.

Tiniis ko ang pagiisa
Nabuhay ako sa kalungkutan
Nakaramdam ako ng pangungutya
at pagtalikod ng mga akala kong kaibigan
Nakikita ko ang kadiliman
Na di nawawala .
Pag dinilat ko ang aking mga mata
Di ko nararamdaman ang sinag at
Liwanag ng araw.

Ako ay lumuha,isang patak ng luha
Tumulo mula sa aking mga mata at
Nahulog sa aking blusa,

Naiyak ako para sa katauhan,
Para sa akin..
Para aking buhay na malapit ko ng bitawan.
Para sa aking mga iiwanan

Nakikita ko ang aking sariling nakalibing,
Ako’y nalungkot
Malungkot ang mag isa
Maski gusto ko wala na akong magagawa.
Mangyayari ang nakatakda
Ginusto ko na may lumapit at kumausap at
Umintindi. Bagkos ako’y tinalikuran at

Sila ang papatay sa akin at sa buhay kong
Di na para sa akin. Sa mga nangyari sa akin
Sila ang dapat sisihin. Dahil tatapusin ko
Yaring aking buhay

Alam kong maganda ay buhay.
May pag asa pa ba para sa akin
Palagay ko’y di ko na kaya
Salamat mga kaibigan sa inyong ginawa,
Dahil wala na itong balikan

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Here are 100 things about me that I bet you didn’t know

1. Budgeting is something that I have yet to practice
2. Cinderella is my favorite Disney princess.
3. Corny jokes make me laugh.
4. I don’t know how to wear make-up
5. I hate it when they start comparing me and my sisters when it comes to the looks department.
6. I already have a name for my next child Harry James Potter or Gandhia Michelin
7. I also call on St. Anthony whenever I lose something
8. That misguided idea that I could help someone by telling what I know got me into a lot of trouble.
9. I am 5 feet and two inches tall.
10. I am not good at haggling.
11. I can pick up vibrations from other people... ( meaning marunong ako manghula)
12. I can spend the whole day just surfing the internet.
13. I can’t dance.
14. I can’t just fall asleep anywhere. I need a bed, a pillow and blanket.
15. I can’t leave home without my cell phone.
16. I can’t resist cake or any other sweets for that matter
17. I could never stare into a person’s eyes.
18. I don’t know how to ride a bike.
19. I don’t know how to swim in deep waters.
20. I don’t know how to use rollerblades or a skate board.
21. I don’t like colognes and perfumes
22. I don’t wear my wedding ring and I don’t even have an engagement ring
23. I dream of taking a vacation alone with my husband.
24. I fall asleep more quickly if I start asking my husband about his day. I know its bad.
25. I find it difficult to lie. But when I do lie I couldn’t sleep and always feel so guilty about it
26. I had a great childhood. My sisters and I used to have a love hate hate hate love love relationship
27. I had a whirlwind relationship with before we got married.
28. I had my 1st crush when I was 6, he was Herbert Bautista.I used to go for chinese looking guys.
29. I hate being late. I hate people who always come late. I think that its Rude.
30. My first job was with a paging company.(143445254 Message Coming From )
31. My second job was with my tita’s small office canteen.
32. I hate it that I'm gaining weight though I’m trying (the operative word TRYING) to watch what I eat.
33. I hate it when our neighbors think that they’re the only ones that live on the neighborhood.
34. I hate it when people cant get by the fact that I gained weight. GEESH Get over it.. I did
35. I hate my teeth. I wish I could afford to pay for braces
36. I hate Rats.
37. I hate small talk
38. I have dyscalculia
39. I have a love hate relationship with my hair.
40. I have a weird taste in Music
41. I love Banana Splits. YUMMY.
42. I love attending parties with my son.
43. I love classic television.
44. I love going to weddings
45. I love to read books
46. I love reading other blogs
47. I love Rocky Road Ice cream .. Which is weird because I’m not really a chocoholic
48. I love taking pictures.
49. I love to eat. I live to eat
50. I love to shop not for myself but for my child.
51. I love to travel. I was lucky that my parents made it a point to travel as a family at least once a year.
52. I love watching gossip oriented shows.
53. I miss ice candy. They don’t make them like they used to
54. I never want to hide the fact that my son is autistic.
55. I rarely cry.
56. I read the obituaries
57. I really want to live in a house with a big lawn and a swimming pool.
58. I still do not know who to vote for in the 2004 Presidential Elections.
59. I talk to my guardian angel and even named her Sylanie
60. think my face is too big
61. I think that my mouth always gets me into SO MUCH Trouble.
62. I tried to collect all sorts of stuff but always end up giving it away.
63. I try to be in bed by 10pm
64. I try to take everything I hear about me in stride
65. I type fast.
66. I used to like writing snail mails to my cousin who at that time was at the seminary.
67. I admit i'm so dependent on my cell phone to help with time.
68. I was pregnant when I got married
69. I wear size 6 ½ shoes.
70. I wish I could lose weight
71. I’d like to have another baby either by pregnancy or via Adoption
72. I’m a lazy texter.
73. I’m allergic to dust and pollen.
74. I’m in favor of Divorce
75. I’m scared of dogs that bark so loud.
76. I’ve always been a sucker for romantic endings.
77. I’ve always wanted to try acupressure and acupuncture.
78. I’ve been writing poetry since I was in high school.
79. I'm a frustrated VIDEOKE singer
80. I'm a loud mouth.
81. I'm able to think better while typing
82. I'm always a worry wart
83. I'm always at a loss for words when someone tells me that she has just miscarried.
84. I've found my sport in Ultimate Frisbee. . I like the pace and the excitement
85. Just hearing that my child did well in school for that day really makes my day
86. Kinder Bueno is my favorite ever chocolate bar.
87. Know-it-alls irritate me.
88. My favorite pair of jeans is something that I bought at SM Surplus Shop.
89. My period is weird sometimes my cycle is 27 days other times it could be 52 Days
90. My secret desire is to go to the spa without feeling guilty about what it will cost me.
91. Someday, I’d like to go back to school and take up my master’s degree in Sociology
92. When I get to the office I automatically open my email
93. When I was 16, I enrolled in a Cora Doloroso summer program to help me be more finesse.
94. When I was a kid, I’ve always pretend I was a mermaid. Problem was I couldn’t swim.
95. Whenever we pass by a funeral procession. I say a small prayer for the departed
96. I have a special relationship with my mother in law.
97. I’m scared of heights
98. I love going to the beach
99. I always want to spend time with my husband
100. I tend to be emotional. Especially when someone questions the way I mother my child