Thursday, April 29, 2004


by Spice Girls
Album : Spice

She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would
become the friend I never had.

Back then I didn't know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're My friend.

I didn't want to hear it then but
I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you
said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
about the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're My friend.

But now I'm sure I know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all all I can give you is love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're My friend.

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're my friend.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

My Life As A Brownie

I love to eat a brownie when I'm sad
nothing beats the comfort
that a brownie can give me..

While eating a brownie.
I started to look at myself and compare myself
to a brownie.

Many may know me as funny..
Many may think that I'm zany
But many people dont know that
im achy and breaky....

But they dont know what goes behind the making
of the brownie. You get 2 boxes of Brownie
Mix then you mix 1 cup of butter then you add in
the condensed milk then you start to beat it
till it comes together.. Then you add the Eggs
then you beat it again. Thats how I am

Whenever I look at my son..
I know in my heart that I love him so much.
But sometimes I always see myself as a failure.
Because i dont know if I can afford to give him
the very best. I'm just a whole mixture of emotions..

Then you put butter in the baking pan put in the
mixutre and put it in the oven.I have to
put in the pan and arrange it.. So it will
come out nice when I bake it.

I imagine myself being that way sometimes
Sometimes I hate myself for being such a strict mom.
Always being the one to say No and Don't do this.
I know the effect that I have on him when I start to
tell him to pack away his toys or when I force him
to eat.

Then you put it in the oven and you bake it..

Sometimes I feel like my emotions are being baked through
and through. A lot of people dont know the pain of what I'm going thru.
I refused to let anyone in because I dont want their pity.
But sometimes i just need to talk to someone
To share that my son did this and that
I need that person to understand me. I know
that it is difficult to ask. So I dont..

Please stop looking at me like I did something wrong
when I ignore him because he has a tantrum.Stop staring at my child
whenever he throws a fit.He is just so overwhelmed by all of his
surroundings and he doesnt know how to process it. So please bear with him.

Then after its cooked we put it out of the oven..

Then slice it and eat it..

I'm trying my best to be always be thankful for what I have.
For what I can't give him and for my shortcomings..
I always pray that God will make up for all of that.
I know he always will for I would never come close to
God's love for my son.

Monday, April 19, 2004

My eulogy to our departed Cousin Gary (Butchoy) Tolin

I know he belongs to the Creator and that he will return to Him
someday. In my mind, his Creator took him back too soon he was
at that young age full of potential and still to live his life, but
because I did not pay enough attention to him and therefore I failed
him as a cousin.

All the material wealth, worldly achievements, praise of one's
contemporaries, diminish ... mean nothing, and become nothing ... in
the face of such a tragedy.

Goodbye to you my dearest cousin... Sleep and be glad that you are
free from the pain.

Watch us from up above.. Rest assured that in our hearts you will
never be forgotten


Saturday, April 10, 2004

The Day Mami Died

"Mami died at 12:15 AM. Please pray that she may rest in peace"
This was a message that I received from my friend Marisa
I sent her a message saying "Are you all right? And I asked about the details of the funeral.

Diagnosed with cancer almost four years ago, Mami had been at war with her disease since. She had lived longer than expected. She had been a fighter.She had been in and out of the hospital until she said enough.

Three days ago I was chatting with my friend online and I asked her this question.How would you like to die slowly or suddenly? She didn’t say anything. Then I answered my own question .Its not in my hands whether God will take me swiftly or slowly I will try to leave everything in God's hands. That takes away a lot of the worry, because I couldn't ask for anything better than what God wants for me, and I know everything will work out in the end." Because I know that he will help me with a fate against which I am powerless.

What separates the way people approach death's door depends on their perception of how it opens. Some see it opening into an abyss of darkness and non-existence. For others, the door opens to another side, which they face with--albeit apprehensive--uncertain anticipation. For them, the human spirit is indomitable. Perhaps the art of healing is not one of cheating death, but an art of helping people to be oriented toward life in all its possibilities--even life after death. In the final analysis, the way we have to deal with death is a reflection of the way we are brought up and what culture and society dictate upon us.

People always find it strange when I tell them that I like reading obituaries of people. Whenever I go to a funeral I try not to look at the coffins but to look at their pictures which help me remember them. I still sometimes wonder if Mami knows what she taught me and what impact she had on me; and I tell myself that somehow she does - but maybe that's just to calm my conscience. But I shall always remember Mami’s face and that smile left me the last time I saw her.


Saturday, April 03, 2004

My cousin Arian just passed away. He was only 23 years old.
His life has just begun. When my mom sent me an SMS about
that very sad news. I wished that someone would just tell me
that it was all just a big April Fools day joke.I couldn’t believe it because
his eldest brother Butchoy has just died in the Fall of 2002.
How do you console his mother, his sister, his brother?
How do you tell them that it's going to be okay?
They were just moving on after Butchoy died of cancer.
At least yung kay Butchoy prepared sila kasi Cancer yun eh eto
sudden and very tragic.

Arian was always full of life. He was always joking and smiling.
He was just starting to live his life.
He was just starting to get back on his feet
after a minor setback that happened to him.
I find consolation in the fact that he is now with
Butchoy to guide him in the after life.

On another note my friend sent me a text message that really struck me.

" It's no coincidence we call this season of Lent the past tense of Lend.
May this season remind us that we are living on a BORROWED LIFE".

That message really struck me because I always want to say that
I'm done with life and I want the easy way out.
That text message made me realize that it is not for me to decide that I'm through
with my life. It will be God who will tell me when it is over.
I remembered Marisa's mom and my cousins Arian,Butchoy & Kuya Adlai.
They didn't want to die and Yet here I am always
whining and complaining that life is so unfair.
I learned a really valuable lesson. I will always
be grateful with what i have and with what God has given me.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

It will be holyweek soon and I'm trying to reflect about the kind of life that I had and what kind of episode in it had hurt me the most. It’s been too long plus an month and I kept thinking about her. It was a few days after my 25th birthday when I received this SMS on my cell phone:

"' I thinks its better if you leave me alone, when I need you I’ll call you"
This was a message that I received from my best friend of 8 years. What can someone say when someone is given that kind of message? I sent her a message saying "Why?" and she didn’t bother answering me back

I met her 8 years ago; we saw each other thru the best of the times and the worst of times We were rarely apart that people started to call us twins. Often enough friendships fail, simply by being all too human or all too familiar with each other. Indeed, loving, trusting and giving too much of yourself is not always an esteemed quality in a person. Many people around saw the falling out as a sign of bad things to come for both of us. The word that I had in mind was” finished" somehow I knew it was foolish for me to think it seems inevitable, that we would become friends till were old and gray. I tried looking at it in terms of a vocation, that it was my vocation to be her best friend for life. Somehow along the way I have told myself a million of times that I had this coming. Why did I say that, I don’t know. I tried my best I really did.

But somehow trying your best when the other person has stopped trying will only put your efforts in vain. But somehow at the back of mind I knew that all genuine friendships accommodate risk. A friendship is not a friendship without its challenges. If there is no risk in a relationship between individuals, then those individuals must be holding back from being themselves. For if an individual is being themselves, the implication of moving forward, into the unknowns, is always there and always producing new challenges. A relationship where there is no sense of this movement, no challenge, no risk, is not a genuine friendship. It is static. Static relationships have nowhere to go nothing to gain. The individuals in these relationships have to effort fully restrict their own natural tendency toward progress in order to maintain a static relationship. Limitations and boundaries over which no individual may cross, if the individual wishes to maintain 'the friendship' also characterize these relationships.

People have different ways of viewing what a friend is and what friendship means to them. And so the friendship can only be defined by how the individuals are, not by what they do. Attention only to what is done according to an agreed standard is not enough to sustain the friendship, for an individual can adhere completely to what must be done, yet their state of being could communicate non-friendship all the while.

It is very important then that you become used to assessing your friendships not on what you do, but how you are. This must become the most important thing in your relationships. For deeds are worth little if not done in the spirit of friendship. This spirit is the ultimate defining factor that denotes a genuine friendship. It is a non-tangible thing and can often be misinterpreted, however, when it exists in a relationship, the quality of that relationship is such that all others pale by comparison. When an individual feels friendship then the friendship is genuine. And obviously, friendships can be demanding, because of the nature of what it is to be human. For a friendship to be enduring, it must be allowing.

All of these factors provide cause for consideration, but it is interesting to observe that if we do not feel friendship for even one person, we must call into question what we are doing to prevent responses of friendship from taking place. Feelings of friendship are natural, they can of course, occur as a result of even a fleeting encounter, or they can be more permanent in their nature. Whatever the circumstances, openness is a key component of genuine friendship. Without it, friendships cannot exist.

Often these boundaries are consciously agreed upon, sometimes they are implied or non-verbal. However, in this kind of relationship individuals know exactly where they stand and the point at which they cannot go beyond. When we try to cling to a friendship and to have it stay the same, this is the trap we fall into. We demand these boundaries so that the threat of change cannot destroy what we have. But in doing so, we must shut down and therefore any genuine friendship becomes something else.

Genuine friendships allow for change within the individuals. Not genuine friendships or identity friendships depend on the individuals staying the same - that is, on the constant perception that nothing has changed and that the individuals have not changed. Change brings threat to the identity friendship. Genuine friends allow one another to change and to grow and for the nature of the friendship to change without a sense of loss. In a genuine friendship there is nothing to lose, the relationship can only grow and gain. Similarly, in a genuine friendship, forgiveness is not an aspect of friendship because with true allowing, there is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness implies guilt and guilt is not a judgment made by a true friend. Allowing transcends forgiveness in every respect.

And the same can be said for a great friendship. We must be prepared to desire the ultimate now and to deal with the challenges that face us along the way. But at no time should we settle for an unripe apple if we desire something more.
Its been too long since I last saw her . I’m always full of what ifs, could haves, should haves and all of those things. Here are my last words for her.. I’m sorry for everything and that I wish you well..