Monday, May 23, 2005

I had a good week no drama of any sort
happening in my life. Except that some of
my plans are again on hold. I cant go back to
school just yet although I want to but something
tells me that this isn't the right time.

Im trying to fix Joshwa's transfer to a new school
I just found out that PGH has a SPED School and
that's where I want to move Joshwa.
Kasi I know magagaling ang hahawak na doctors
and specialists sa kanya. So tomorrow aga kami
punta around 6am sana magising ako para
maaga.I've heard horror stories kung gaano
kahaba ang pila sa Out Patient Department nila.

Going to PGH and passing through Ward 9
the primary beneficiary of Give a Life
was a HUGE HUGE reality check for me
kasi I used to look at other kids say to myself
if only Joshwa wasn't like this he would be like
that. Pero nung pumunta ako dun parang sinasabi
sa akin na would you rather that Joshwa be able
to be" normal" and yet be confined here.

I heard a sermon that really struck me about
always wanting what we have and always looking
through other people's fences. Thats something that
I want to change. Joshwa is what he is and
I've learned to accept that kaya lang I guess
those are the moments of weakness for me.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Kuento Kuwento

I read somewhere na okay na browser ang firefox
Syempre hanap naman ako sa Limewire
para mag download. Tapos nung nakita na
gawa sya ng Mozilla. Meron pala ako nun.
Tanga ko talaga.. Saka its just similar to the
Netscape Navigator.

I've been okay lately.The depression is
under control siguro kasi I've been going
to church and I've been attending my
cell group meetings. Di ko alam kung ano
ang connection nun pero malaki talaga
naitulong sa akin.

On another note Mama and Papa will be
going to the US in December. Iwan muna
kami ni Joshwa. Although nalungkot ako
naintindihan ko rin naman kung bakit.
I plan to go on a vacation with Josh iniisip ko
pa kung saan. Kung sa Boracay or Sa Dipolog
and Dumaguete. Kung may pera ako we
just might do both. Either way we will really
go I dont want to stay here na wala sila.
Neither do I want to spend the holidays with
my In Law's. If worse comes to worse at di talaga
makaalis check in na lang kami sa hotel ni Joshwa.

I've seen In Good Company last night
for some reason di ako masaya dun sa
movie. Ewan ko ba di pa rin ako maka get over
na di lahat ng movie eh magkakatuluyan.
(sorry kung spoiler)

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Someone sent this to me i think this is
worth reading

Reflections of a Mom...
Author: Anonymous

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things,
but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions,
but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom
, but I cannot account for it.
I can share my faith with you,
but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong,
but I cannot always decide for you.

I can buy you beautiful clothes,
but I cannot make you beautiful inside.
I can offer you advice,
but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love,
but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share,
but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect,
but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends,
but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex,
but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life,
but I can't build your reputation.
I can tell you about alcohol,
but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs,
but I can't prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals,
but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness,
but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins,
but I cannot make you moral.
I can love you as a child,
but I cannot place you in God's family.
I can pray for you,
but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can teach you about Jesus,
but I cannot make Jesus your Lord.
I can tell you how to live,
but I cannot give you eternal life.

Happy Mother's Day to Everyone maski
yung walang anak kasi I truly believe that
Women are mothers one way or the other.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Someone asked me this questions..
I figured i'd post this on my blog
so that you know how I really am and
how I'm coping. To those of you who
will tell me get over it and post about
something else this is my blog my online
journal my personal space. (enough said)

How are you doing without Philbert?

When people usually ask me that question
I always have the "safe" answer, I tell them
I'm okay.. I'm fine. I'll tell you the truth I'm
lonely, alone,miserable and my depression is
creeping up on me. I know I shouldnt be but
I cant help it. He's , soulmate and my bestfriend
and now he's not here I feel so alone.

How's Joshwa?
Joshwa is okay.We will try medication
soon as soon I can afford it I will try it.
Unfortunately, he doesnt ask for his dad
anymore usually when someone is at the door
he would shout and smile and say Didi!!
(short for daddy) but now its not
there anymore.

How in the world are you coping
when you're by yourself?

Im failing miserably.. I mean in all honesty
I'm not doing great at all things have been
going so bad with me and Im having problems
financially sometimes my dad would say
that he made a mistake nung pinauwi nya
pa ako dito.Which I also think so too..
But kung di naman ko umuwi paano naman
si Joshwa I wouldn't want to leave him here.
What kind would a mother would I be If
I just didnt go back for him. I cant judge
other moms who could do that but I can't.
I can never live with myself kung di na ako
bumalik for him.

Are you ok?
Im not i miss him so much
as in everyday i think about him and I worry
about him kung okay ba sya or ano na ba
nangyayari sa kanya. Bago ako umuwi he asked
me to stay with him kasi di daw nya kaya na wala
ako pero like what I said I had to make that very
difficult decision.I know the bible would said
unahin ko husband ko pero I felt na mas
kailangan naman ako ni Joshwa.
Philbert needs me too but Joshwa needed
me more. Sometimes I get mad that people
would say buti pa si Philbert asa abroad na
I just smile and not say anything at them
pero sa totoo lang sometimes I cant take it
anymore gusto ko na lang umuwi sya.
I also hate the way his mom flaunts it
na she's so sad na andun na si Philbert
I know she's proud. Pero iniisip ko bakit
ako lang malungkot na wala sya bakit sila
kunwari lang malungkot pero masaya sila
na malayo sya kasi iniisip nila makakatulong
na kami financially sa kanila.
In my mothers in laws case totoo ito I
know her too well. I know that if i tell him
to go home he will but I dont want him to
resent me na pinauwi ko sya dito.
Ano ba meron dito sa Philippines
Palubog na eh.

What have you been up to?

Im still working for my dad, trying to figure
out the bio-medical intervention aspect for
Joshwa and still scrapbooking.
Scrapbooking is really my passion it
was a great outlet for me. It brought out
something in me that I never really knew I had.

How is Philbert doing?

Philbert is great,, He found a job that he wanted
He is now working for a Auto Supply Parts
Company as a computer technician.
He recently bought a car and enjoys the American Life.

Are you able to join him soon....or do you want to?

Im not sure about joining him soon.
Im going to try my best to apply for a
visa in September. If ma deny okay lang at
least I tried if ma approve that would be really
great. I want to see him and be with him.
Im ready na to let go of my life and everything
here makasama ko lang sya.
I dont know how long I can take to be
apart from him. This has been so hard for me.

Nobody has really asked me that kung okay
lang ba or kung how am I coping.
They all ask me kung kumusta na si Philbert
pero no one really asked kung kumusta na ako.
I know that's a selfish question or statement.
Pero Im really going through a tough time right now.

Please pray for me that i can get through this..
We usually fight and argue a lot and I suddenly
miss that.