Saturday, May 07, 2005

Someone asked me this questions..
I figured i'd post this on my blog
so that you know how I really am and
how I'm coping. To those of you who
will tell me get over it and post about
something else this is my blog my online
journal my personal space. (enough said)

How are you doing without Philbert?

When people usually ask me that question
I always have the "safe" answer, I tell them
I'm okay.. I'm fine. I'll tell you the truth I'm
lonely, alone,miserable and my depression is
creeping up on me. I know I shouldnt be but
I cant help it. He's , soulmate and my bestfriend
and now he's not here I feel so alone.

How's Joshwa?
Joshwa is okay.We will try medication
soon as soon I can afford it I will try it.
Unfortunately, he doesnt ask for his dad
anymore usually when someone is at the door
he would shout and smile and say Didi!!
(short for daddy) but now its not
there anymore.

How in the world are you coping
when you're by yourself?

Im failing miserably.. I mean in all honesty
I'm not doing great at all things have been
going so bad with me and Im having problems
financially sometimes my dad would say
that he made a mistake nung pinauwi nya
pa ako dito.Which I also think so too..
But kung di naman ko umuwi paano naman
si Joshwa I wouldn't want to leave him here.
What kind would a mother would I be If
I just didnt go back for him. I cant judge
other moms who could do that but I can't.
I can never live with myself kung di na ako
bumalik for him.

Are you ok?
Im not i miss him so much
as in everyday i think about him and I worry
about him kung okay ba sya or ano na ba
nangyayari sa kanya. Bago ako umuwi he asked
me to stay with him kasi di daw nya kaya na wala
ako pero like what I said I had to make that very
difficult decision.I know the bible would said
unahin ko husband ko pero I felt na mas
kailangan naman ako ni Joshwa.
Philbert needs me too but Joshwa needed
me more. Sometimes I get mad that people
would say buti pa si Philbert asa abroad na
I just smile and not say anything at them
pero sa totoo lang sometimes I cant take it
anymore gusto ko na lang umuwi sya.
I also hate the way his mom flaunts it
na she's so sad na andun na si Philbert
I know she's proud. Pero iniisip ko bakit
ako lang malungkot na wala sya bakit sila
kunwari lang malungkot pero masaya sila
na malayo sya kasi iniisip nila makakatulong
na kami financially sa kanila.
In my mothers in laws case totoo ito I
know her too well. I know that if i tell him
to go home he will but I dont want him to
resent me na pinauwi ko sya dito.
Ano ba meron dito sa Philippines
Palubog na eh.

What have you been up to?

Im still working for my dad, trying to figure
out the bio-medical intervention aspect for
Joshwa and still scrapbooking.
Scrapbooking is really my passion it
was a great outlet for me. It brought out
something in me that I never really knew I had.

How is Philbert doing?

Philbert is great,, He found a job that he wanted
He is now working for a Auto Supply Parts
Company as a computer technician.
He recently bought a car and enjoys the American Life.

Are you able to join him soon....or do you want to?

Im not sure about joining him soon.
Im going to try my best to apply for a
visa in September. If ma deny okay lang at
least I tried if ma approve that would be really
great. I want to see him and be with him.
Im ready na to let go of my life and everything
here makasama ko lang sya.
I dont know how long I can take to be
apart from him. This has been so hard for me.

Nobody has really asked me that kung okay
lang ba or kung how am I coping.
They all ask me kung kumusta na si Philbert
pero no one really asked kung kumusta na ako.
I know that's a selfish question or statement.
Pero Im really going through a tough time right now.

Please pray for me that i can get through this..
We usually fight and argue a lot and I suddenly
miss that.

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