Joshwa and the Album

Yesterday Joshwa and I were looking
at our wedding photo album. Suddenly
I thought of testing him to see if knows
us. Sabi ko point mo si Mommy, point
naman sya sa photo.Point mo si Mama,
point naman sya sa photo,Point mo si
Papa, point naman sya sa photo,
Point mo si Daddy, point naman sya sa photo,.
Point mo si Tita Grish, point naman sya sa
photo,.Point mo si Kuya Brox, point naman
sya sa photo. Tapos eto na dumating
na kami kay Mother in Law sabi ko point mo
si Nanay di nya ma point gusto na nya ilipat
yung page. Sabi ko sige na point mo si Nanay
ayaw talaga. Sabi ko sige si Tatay na lang point
mo ayaw din. Di nya kilala In Laws ko..
Naku sasabihin na naman nila tinuturan ko
anak ko ng di maganda.Kakausapin ko
pa yung therapist ng anak ko tungkol dito,

Sa mga nagtatanong tungkol kay Joshwa at
sa bago nyang school okay naman sya.
Sulit naman yung bayad namin sa school.
Buti na lang at discounted ang rate nila
sa amin. He's now learning to be independent.

He's so cute (syempre anak ko) lalo na pag
minsan lumalabas na yung kapilyuhan nya
pag yaya nya ginawa cute pero tahimik lang
ako pero pag sa akin "JOSHWA STOP
THAT!!!" maririnig nya sa akin.

As for me school is okay but Im so swamped
with homework pero okay lang naman kasi
di pa naman sya masyadong mahirap. I found
out that our school might be offering Special
Education classes next year but if di naman sila
mag offer apply ako sa ibang school.. I kept thinking
I should have done this before.

Our 5th Wedding Anniversary

A Love Poem
By: LBP

You may not always treat me
like your princess
And at times you love your
PC more than me
I love you just the same

You may not be truly sweet
Not always generous with your gifts
Your love is the most important gift of all
Please know what it all means at heart
And how my spirit lifts.

The way you show me you love me
Can you see the love, the warmth
The THRILL that's in my eyes?

Our wedding day
The day we said I Do.
Was one of the best days of my life.
I could have been in heaven
and it wouldn't have mattered because
I was truly happy to have married
the love of my life.

Your presence seems to always calm me
You always seems to know me.

But best of all the dream
Continues to this day
Hon, we are soulmates
Distance may have separated us
but we are together in every way.

We have been through so much
We have been through struggles
I truly feel this from my heart
I wouldn't know what to do
Just how I'd live this life on earth
If life were without you.

You are so very wonderful
The truest, sweetest dear
And I'm happiest just smiling
and thinking of you on this special day

There is no love that's brighter
Or anything as warm
As the love we share together
In its quintessential form.

So on this day we mark our love
I'll shed some joyful tears
And say, with love that keeps on growing
I'll look forward to many more years.

Waiting for Harry

Harry Potter is coming out

tomorrow I can't wait and

I'm soo excited. Im sure
the book won't disappoint

me. Never mind that the

book is pricey its worth

the wait. I'll tell you more

about it in my next few

entries.

Joshwa

Official na talaga nag start si Joshwa sa
new school nya kanina. Akala ko mahihirapan
ako kausapin yung teacher. Pero di naman
pala. Sabi ko kasi sa kanya I just want
what's best for Joshwa.I would really regret
it if di kami lumipat kasi ganda ng facilities
ng new school nya tapos one on one pa ang
student and teacher ratio.

Excited nga ako sa homework ni Joshwa
binili ko na agad yung nasa list nya.
Naghahanap na lang ako ng kiddie apron.
For his art class..

Speaking of Joshwa eto nga pala vocabulary
nya:

Jush = Josh (hirap sya sabihin ang letter O)
Baba = Ako po yun. Yun na tawag nya sa akin
Dadi= Daddy
Ati = Tawag nya sa nag aalaga sa kanya
Tita
Ano BA! = He says this pag naiinis sya
Hindi = Instead of No eto sinasabi nya
Papa
Mama
Babye= Bye bye nya with waving of hands

I truly celebrate this moments that he's
started to speak. Maingat na nga ako kasi
baka ano pa ma-pick nya na words.

A New School

Joshwa will be moving to a new school on
Monday. Nakita ko na sya ang ganda.
Problem ko na lang is how to tell the
old teacher na aalis na kami sa school nya.

Ganda talaga nung school.Very impressive
sya. The name of the school is Skill Camp
Center.

Joshwa Diaries-DAY 4- June 28

Joshwa was getting antsy and restless
gusto na maglakad pero di puede kasi
naka dextrose pa rin sya.

I didnt go to work because I wanted to
talk to the Doctor and to find out
kung ano ba talaga ang diagnosis nila

Upper Respiratory Track Infection
--Upper respiratory tract infection
involves inflammation of the respiratory
mucosa from the nose to the lower respiratory
tree, not including the alveoli. In addition
to malaise, it causes localized symptoms
that constitute several overlapping syndromes:
sore throat (pharyngitis), rhinorrhea (common cold),
facial fullness and pain (sinusitis),
and cough (bronchitis).

Gastroenteritis
---Gastroenteritis is the irritation and inflammation
of the digestive tract.

Joshwa Diaries-DAY 3- June 27

Nakausap ko na yung agent namin sa
health card. Ayos na daw yung problem
sa card so expect ko na lang daw yung
liason officer nila para I could sign the
LOA tapos makakalipat na kami
ng room.

After 30 minute iba ang dumating
billing officer ng Makati Med
sinisingil kami ng downpayment na
PhP 13,000. I immediately called my
mom to call the agent. Then I also
called the agent.Buti naman at
na-sort out na sya.

Before I left for school dumating na
yung liason officer nung health
card I signed the form na..
Sa wakas makakalipat na rin kami ng room.

Joshwa Diaries-DAY 2- June 26

Wala namang masyadong drama nangyari today
except that Joshwa was probably getting used
to the noise kaya natutulog na lang din sya.

Dumaan si Mama para kamustahin si Joshwa.

Nakausap ko si Philbert ako syempre ang
nasisi kung bakit nagkasakit anak nya. Syempre
wala na nga sya dito, di na kami dapat magsisihan
sa mga nangyari.

I just kept praying for the Lord to help us.
Alam ko naman na di nya kami papabayaan.

Joshwa Diaries-DAY 1- June 25

I was still half asleep tapos kinakapa ko kung asan
si Joshwa kasi I wanted to hug him. Pag hawak
ko sa kanya napaso ako kasi ang init nya.
Talagang napaupo ako tapos tinawag ko
si Ate Nora (yaya nya) to tell her na may lagnat
si Joshwa.Sabi sa akin walang lagnat sabi ko
meron I had to wake up Bing for a second opinion.
Oo may lagnat daw si Joshwa.. I told Ate Nora
to look for the Calpol. While I was looking for a
shirt na pampalit ni Joshwa. All of a sudden
umupo si Joshwa and nagsuka. Then after nya
nahimasmasan nag suka na naman sya
at that point I called my dad and told him that
I would bring Joshwa to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital nasa 39 ang fever
nya. They told us to give him something to
drink uwi naman ako to get the last money
that I had. Sa taranta ko di ko pa nadala.
Bumili ako ng juice for Joshwa. As soon as binigay
sa kanya nagsuka sya uli.

Sabi sa amin admit na daw kasi nagsusuka baka
delikado. I said okay kasi may card naman
kami. Sabi sa akin sa admitting may kuarto
na daw. (Wow bilis thank you Lord!) Pero
paalis na ako tinawag ako ng taga admitting
sabi sa akin di daw kami puede ma-admit kasi
daw may problem sa card. Oh no.. apparently
di pa pala kami nagbayad.

So I decided mag ward na lang muna kami
kasi if Joshwa needs to be confined ward
lang ang ma-afford ko bayaran. Di bale na
lang yung ibang bagay basta unahin ko si
Joshwa.

I was trying to get a hold of Philbert to
tell him na maysakit si Joshwa when
i finally tracked him down. Lasing po ang
asawa ko and parang di nya naintindihan kung
ano ang nangyayari.

We spent our 1st night there.. It was hard
kasi di makapahinga si Joshwa nang maayos
as soon as makakatulog sya may iiyak
na naman magigising naman si Joshwa.
Pero nung finally may peace and quiet
na which was at 10Pm matutulog na si Joshwa
nanonood na lang nang tv para antukin sya.
Pinatay ang tv, syempre iyak naman ang anak ko
buong gabi halos alternating between crying,
whinning and shouting sya. The others complained
the next day.Luckily there were some who
were quick to remind those who were complaining
na special child si Joshwa.

Share ko lang natuwa ako kay Joshwa kahapon
pumunta ako sa school nya para makita ko
ang performance nya sa school.

Naaliw ako when he started putting words
together.. CNN, TRUE, RUE, STAY, IBC,
CNN, RP, CATV, RJTV. Napapaghalata
talaga kung ano ang pinapanood nya.
Mahilig kasi sya sa Channel Guide.

Wala lang.. naaliw lang ako kasi very
sharp pala talaga ang memory nya..

More About School..

Di ko nga pala nasabi yung details ng schooling ko.
Im currently taking up Certificate in Education sa
Makati University. Initially inisip ko baduy naman
bakit dun pa pero naisip ko. If I need it, I really
need it so di ako puedeng mamili ng school and the
tuition ain't bad either. PhP 1,600 per semester
lahat na yun.

Tapos I discovered na lahat pala ng magiging
teachers ko may PHD. Not bad naman pala.

Ngayon ang hassle na lang sa akin ang
mag commute ng malayo medyo malayo kasi
ang school kung saan ako nakatira pero
kaunting tiis na lang. 2 Semesters lang naman
ako dun.

Then next year I'll be moving to another
school sa Philippine Normal University to
take up my specialization. (feeling ko mag
doctor ako) . Sabi sa akin I need to get at
least 18 Units ng Education Units kaya eto
na nga ginagawa ko na.

Pasukan Na..

Start na ng classes namin nung Monday.
It felt weird to be called by your real name.
Okay naman pala sya, iniisip ko kasi baka
ma-out of place ako. Pero nung nag start
na di na rin pala ako out of place. Kasi
lahat naman kami andun para mag-aral
at para matuto. Tapos puro research rin
gagawin. Medyo natuwa ako kasi ganun
din ako nung college puro research
ang ginagawa.

Mabait naman yung mga classmates ko.
Mayroon na rin akong naging kaibigan
although sa isang subject ko lang sya
classmate nalaman ko na malapit lang
sya sa akin. Kaya tuwing pag uwi sabay
na lang kami.

Bigla ko ga naisip sana pala noon ko
pa ginawa ito.Pero madaming bagay
sa buhay ko ang ay laging karugtong na
sana noon ko pa ginawa. Wala na akong
magagawa dun eh tapos na yun. Kahit
ano pang gawin ko di ko na mababalik.
Puede ko na lang gawin pag butihan ko
yung ngayon para maging maganda ang
bukas.

Happy Fathers Day!

Happy Fathers Day Philbert



I know sometimes Im guilty of saying that
you are not a good husband. I can never say
that you were not a good father. I couldn't
have asked for a better father for Joshwa
Joshwa is so lucky to have a dad like you.
When I couldn't get up to give him his bottle
in the middle of the night you did it without
any complaints. You gave him his daily bath
and never said a word of protest.

You always took time out to play with him
and bring him a toy whenever you can.
Joshwa loves you so much and he misses
you so much. Sometimes he looks
for you and it hurts to see him to always
keep saying Daddy and you're not here
to hear that.Im sorry that I'm always
on your case as to when we can join you
I just miss you much and we love you
so much.

Officially A Student

Naka enroll na ako sa wakas.. Nakahanap na ako
ng school na tatanggap sa akin. This may
pave the way for a fresh new start for Joshwa
and me.

Medyo biglaan nga ang pagka enroll
ko kasi tumawag lang ako para
magtanong kung kailan puede mag
enroll for Second Semester. Sabi sa akin
punta ka na ngayon puede ka pa humabol
for 1st Semester. Kaya ayun nagpunta ako
nag exam tapos nagfill out ng forms nagpa
assess the next day nakapag pa enroll na ako

Its our 6th Year Anniversary on Sunday.
Then I heard our song on the radio.
Baduy but we really like this song..
But this is not really like a typical
love song and it actually describes what
I feel at the moment.


Walking After You
by Foo Fighters

Tonight I'm tangled in my
blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do
without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back, I'm on your back,
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you'd accept surrender,
give up some more
Weren't you adored

I cannot be without you,
matter of fact
Ooh I'm on your back
I'm on your back
Ooh I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two,
I'm on your back Ooh
I cannot be without you, matter of fact

Ooh I'm on your back
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two,
I'm on your back Ooh

I had a good week no drama of any sort
happening in my life. Except that some of
my plans are again on hold. I cant go back to
school just yet although I want to but something
tells me that this isn't the right time.

Im trying to fix Joshwa's transfer to a new school
I just found out that PGH has a SPED School and
that's where I want to move Joshwa.
Kasi I know magagaling ang hahawak na doctors
and specialists sa kanya. So tomorrow aga kami
punta around 6am sana magising ako para
maaga.I've heard horror stories kung gaano
kahaba ang pila sa Out Patient Department nila.

Going to PGH and passing through Ward 9
the primary beneficiary of Give a Life
was a HUGE HUGE reality check for me
kasi I used to look at other kids say to myself
if only Joshwa wasn't like this he would be like
that. Pero nung pumunta ako dun parang sinasabi
sa akin na would you rather that Joshwa be able
to be" normal" and yet be confined here.

I heard a sermon that really struck me about
always wanting what we have and always looking
through other people's fences. Thats something that
I want to change. Joshwa is what he is and
I've learned to accept that kaya lang I guess
those are the moments of weakness for me.

Kuento Kuwento

I read somewhere na okay na browser ang firefox
Syempre hanap naman ako sa Limewire
para mag download. Tapos nung nakita na
gawa sya ng Mozilla. Meron pala ako nun.
Tanga ko talaga.. Saka its just similar to the
Netscape Navigator.


I've been okay lately.The depression is
under control siguro kasi I've been going
to church and I've been attending my
cell group meetings. Di ko alam kung ano
ang connection nun pero malaki talaga
naitulong sa akin.

On another note Mama and Papa will be
going to the US in December. Iwan muna
kami ni Joshwa. Although nalungkot ako
naintindihan ko rin naman kung bakit.
I plan to go on a vacation with Josh iniisip ko
pa kung saan. Kung sa Boracay or Sa Dipolog
and Dumaguete. Kung may pera ako we
just might do both. Either way we will really
go I dont want to stay here na wala sila.
Neither do I want to spend the holidays with
my In Law's. If worse comes to worse at di talaga
makaalis check in na lang kami sa hotel ni Joshwa.

I've seen In Good Company last night
for some reason di ako masaya dun sa
movie. Ewan ko ba di pa rin ako maka get over
na di lahat ng movie eh magkakatuluyan.
(sorry kung spoiler)

Someone sent this to me i think this is
worth reading

Reflections of a Mom...
Author: Anonymous

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things,
but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions,
but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom
, but I cannot account for it.
I can share my faith with you,
but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong,
but I cannot always decide for you.

I can buy you beautiful clothes,
but I cannot make you beautiful inside.
I can offer you advice,
but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love,
but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share,
but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect,
but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends,
but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex,
but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life,
but I can't build your reputation.
I can tell you about alcohol,
but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs,
but I can't prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals,
but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness,
but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins,
but I cannot make you moral.
I can love you as a child,
but I cannot place you in God's family.
I can pray for you,
but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can teach you about Jesus,
but I cannot make Jesus your Lord.
I can tell you how to live,
but I cannot give you eternal life.

Happy Mother's Day to Everyone maski
yung walang anak kasi I truly believe that
Women are mothers one way or the other.

Someone asked me this questions..
I figured i'd post this on my blog
so that you know how I really am and
how I'm coping. To those of you who
will tell me get over it and post about
something else this is my blog my online
journal my personal space. (enough said)

How are you doing without Philbert?

When people usually ask me that question
I always have the "safe" answer, I tell them
I'm okay.. I'm fine. I'll tell you the truth I'm
lonely, alone,miserable and my depression is
creeping up on me. I know I shouldnt be but
I cant help it. He's , soulmate and my bestfriend
and now he's not here I feel so alone.

How's Joshwa?
Joshwa is okay.We will try medication
soon as soon I can afford it I will try it.
Unfortunately, he doesnt ask for his dad
anymore usually when someone is at the door
he would shout and smile and say Didi!!
(short for daddy) but now its not
there anymore.


How in the world are you coping
when you're by yourself?

Im failing miserably.. I mean in all honesty
I'm not doing great at all things have been
going so bad with me and Im having problems
financially sometimes my dad would say
that he made a mistake nung pinauwi nya
pa ako dito.Which I also think so too..
But kung di naman ko umuwi paano naman
si Joshwa I wouldn't want to leave him here.
What kind would a mother would I be If
I just didnt go back for him. I cant judge
other moms who could do that but I can't.
I can never live with myself kung di na ako
bumalik for him.

Are you ok?
Im not i miss him so much
as in everyday i think about him and I worry
about him kung okay ba sya or ano na ba
nangyayari sa kanya. Bago ako umuwi he asked
me to stay with him kasi di daw nya kaya na wala
ako pero like what I said I had to make that very
difficult decision.I know the bible would said
unahin ko husband ko pero I felt na mas
kailangan naman ako ni Joshwa.
Philbert needs me too but Joshwa needed
me more. Sometimes I get mad that people
would say buti pa si Philbert asa abroad na
I just smile and not say anything at them
pero sa totoo lang sometimes I cant take it
anymore gusto ko na lang umuwi sya.
I also hate the way his mom flaunts it
na she's so sad na andun na si Philbert
I know she's proud. Pero iniisip ko bakit
ako lang malungkot na wala sya bakit sila
kunwari lang malungkot pero masaya sila
na malayo sya kasi iniisip nila makakatulong
na kami financially sa kanila.
In my mothers in laws case totoo ito I
know her too well. I know that if i tell him
to go home he will but I dont want him to
resent me na pinauwi ko sya dito.
Ano ba meron dito sa Philippines
Palubog na eh.

What have you been up to?

Im still working for my dad, trying to figure
out the bio-medical intervention aspect for
Joshwa and still scrapbooking.
Scrapbooking is really my passion it
was a great outlet for me. It brought out
something in me that I never really knew I had.

How is Philbert doing?

Philbert is great,, He found a job that he wanted
He is now working for a Auto Supply Parts
Company as a computer technician.
He recently bought a car and enjoys the American Life.


Are you able to join him soon....or do you want to?

Im not sure about joining him soon.
Im going to try my best to apply for a
visa in September. If ma deny okay lang at
least I tried if ma approve that would be really
great. I want to see him and be with him.
Im ready na to let go of my life and everything
here makasama ko lang sya.
I dont know how long I can take to be
apart from him. This has been so hard for me.

Nobody has really asked me that kung okay
lang ba or kung how am I coping.
They all ask me kung kumusta na si Philbert
pero no one really asked kung kumusta na ako.
I know that's a selfish question or statement.
Pero Im really going through a tough time right now.

Please pray for me that i can get through this..
We usually fight and argue a lot and I suddenly
miss that.