THURSDAY QUES!  
 
1.  What's the last CD you bought?
      counted ba yung blank cd?
 
2.  Where's your favorite place on your body to be massaged?
        - shoulders
 
3.  What time do you wake up in the morning?
- weekdays mga 7-7:30am
 
4.  What time do you normally go to bed?
- 12 midnight
5.  What's your favorite kitchen appliance?- microwave oven
 
6.  What makes you really angry?
- when Philbert plays deaf when he's at the computer & when I have PMS anything could set me off.

7.  If you could play an instrument, what would it be?
--guitar
 
8.  If you have a tattoo, what is it?  Where is it?-
 none. i dont want one I have low threshold for pain.,
 
9.  Who's one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?
- I would probably say sorry to those people I have hurt. Maybe If I would even want to change my past and correct the mistakes so that my future could have been better.
 
 10.  What's in the trunk of your car?- we dont have a car :)

1. Your three favorite websites (other than W@W)?
* www.yahoogroups.com  * www.philstar.net* www.inq7.net

2. Know any triplets, besides Dols & Renan's cuties?
* nope .. but i wish i did..
Ever wish you were a twin/triplet?
* yup.. i've always wanted to have a twin.

3. Your three favorite accessories?*
 cellphone*  wedding ring* bags

4. Your three favorite beverages?
*iced tea  * coke* mango shake

5. Your three current favorite songs?
*A Little Bit* Burn*The Way You Look At Me

6. Last three things you ate?
* baked tahong * chicken ala king * chicken satay

7. How long did it take for you to graduate fromtricycle to bicycle? Who taught you?-
I didnt graduate..

8. Your three "hottest hottie" celebrities?-
Geoff Eigenmann, Jericho Rosales, Carlo Ledesma
 
9. Your three favorite hangouts?- my mom's house- the mall- san lo park

10. Your three favorite childhood hiding places (or favorite places)?
- my tita's house in Dipolog- in my tita's bedroom- in our bedroom

11. Is three your lucky number?- nope

12. Do you believe that bad things happen inthrees? How about good things?
 
- nope, good and bad things happen randomly and i know whether good orbad, they happen for a reason

Joshwa: My Special Son

I think it's a blessing that my son's birthday is so close to Christmas Day. He’s the best Christmas gift that I have ever received. Having Joshwa taught us a lot of things like how to survive on four hours' sleep, the best ways to navigate through a tantrum, and how to make him eat vegetables. But I don't think I came face to face with the true range of what motherhood means to me until a surprising revelation came to me a few months month ago.

When Joshwa was 10 months old he had measles so I panicked and I took him to the pediatrician. While I was there at the doctors office I also asked the pediatrician is there something wrong with my son. Because he wouldn’t look at me when I call his name every time looked right into his face and he doesn’t seem to learning any of the tricks that I was teaching him. I always felt that something isn’t right. She quickly dismissed my fears saying that it was just normal no need to worry.

So I quickly rejected that thought because every time I would talk to my husband about it he’ll say that I’m too paranoid .I just filled myself with gratitude for the beautiful family that I have.

After 5 months I went back to the same doctor for Joshwa’s check up.I asked her the same question this time she gave me a different answer. Take your son to ENT (eyes , nose, throat) to have his hearing checked after that try to find a developmental pediatrician. Luckily I was able to find a developmental pediatrician on such a short notice. She gave me the grim news. Your son might have autism.

I knew nothing about Autism syndrome, but I had lots of frightening preconceptions. My first thought, was how can I help him. I kept blaming myself I felt such a failure I had dyscalulia and now I have passed something on to my son. I cried myself to sleep that night. When the tears dried, I began the long learning process that will continue, I imagine, for the rest of my life. Having resolved to find out everything I could, I went online, I read books, I talked to people. I was surprised to discover that everyone in the world, it seemed, knew or had an idea of what autism was. Everyone but me. I discovered an Internet support group for parents.. Our spirits soared. Friends and family had been very supportive, but, let's face it, they knew as much about Autism as we had. And they were all a little sad, too. But these other parents weren't sad at all. They felt that their children were a great gift, Autism or no.

As I pored over the books and talked with these other parents, I found the factual side of Autism fairly easy to piece together. No one really knows where it came from or what caused it according to studies Autism is a neurological disability most likely caused by immature development in the cerebellum & limbic system.

Of course, there was nothing in those reference books that could fully explain the other side of the story — the ups and downs of raising a child with Autism in our society. That's what we've been learning from Joshwa himself, and it's been a lesson filled with wonder. Joshwa’s life so far has been more complicated than other kid’s was. There are more ongoing appointments — he has therapy 5 times a week. There have been challenging days and frustrating moments as we've all struggled to learn about each other.

Joshwa is actually more like other kids than he is different. He will learn to walk, talk, read, sing, and dance, although he will have to work harder than most kids to reach those milestones. And we will have to slow down and allow him the extra time. Beyond that, he will have skills, talents, and quirks all his own. He already does. He can watch TV and not get distracted he knows when I’m angry and keeps quiet when I say no.

The future for people with Autism is brighter than it has ever been, which makes me hopeful for my son's adulthood. Early intervention, medical advances, inclusive schools that educate all kids together, and new therapies have meant that people with Autism can live longer, achieve more, and contribute to their communities in meaningful ways. Most of them graduate from high school, many live independently, marry, and have jobs.I dream about the possibilities. Will he love 80’s music the way his father does? Maybe he'll want to work as a Chef and run a restaurant , like what his my great grandmother does.

It has been only a short time since Joshwa came into our world. To a degree, we're still on an emotional roller coaster. We have days of unadulterated joy over our family and what Joshwa brings to us. Sometimes. Many days I feel guilty and unsure as to whether we're doing enough for Joshwa. Would he be better off if we could afford this program, those vitamins, or that new therapy? And sometime I get scared about what's down the road, especially when I think of the struggles he may face .

I've long since realized that our luck did not run out. Not at all. In many ways, our lives have been transformed. We have found loving support from people who used to be strangers. We look at the world differently and consider ourselves lucky to be able to. We have an appreciation for a slower pace, we take greater delight in each small step.

1.) Rate how frequent you and your spouse make love? (as in "sexually",all the way) .. With 10 being always and 0 - none at all. 0
To be honest eversince I started Ultimate Frisbee which is everyday exceptFridays.
I'm always soooo tired when I get home. So my answer would be a 2.
 
2). Who usually sets the mood (READ: Sinong unang kumakalabit?) ?
Depende kung sino nasa mood..
 
3). Have you been rejected in favor of say ... sleeping/resting?
Thats our one rule no rejections except for special reasons like may sakit or may period..
 
4). Do you give your spouse some "indications" that you're in the mood?i.e., Dim the lights or Wear his fave scent of you or Play "the music"or Dance (ngek!)
I just tell him. i want to do it tonight.
 
5). This is an old time Q ... what's your favorite position?
:)i used to like a particular one but now i dont have one basta as long as we achieve our goal then its all right..

Thursday Q's of the hypothetical kind

1. Your neighbor's loud music kept you up at night?

Depende kung close ako sa kanila i'd probably talk to them. If di ako close i'd just bear it.. but if i cant take it anymore the last resort would be to callthe barangay security..

   2. Your highschool sweetheart called you out of the blue, not knowing you were married?

I won't say anything till I'm asked about it.

3. You were invited for dinner at an acquaintance's house and theyserved something you refuse to eat or were allergic to?

I guess they'd probably serve something safe or kung wala i'd eat the desert.

4. Your child got in a fight with his/her classmate and came home with a bloody nose?                

I'd really talk to my child and ask him to explain what happened then i'd go to the school DEMAND to talk to the prinicipal set up a meeting with the parents of that child and i'd really make a big deal out of this.

5. Your sister/brother won the lottery but never offered you any of it?

I'd find out how much. If its just a small amount It will be no big deal if it's a big amount I'd still wait for my sister to talk to me about it

MAMA




by Spice Girls
Album : Spice


She used to be my only enemy and never let me free,
Catching me in places that I know I shouldn't be,
Every other day I crossed the line,
I didn't mean to be so bad,
I never thought you would
become the friend I never had.

Back then I didn't know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're My friend.

I didn't want to hear it then but
I'm not ashamed to say it now,
Every little thing you
said and did was right for me,
I had a lot of time to think about,
about the way I used to be,
Never had a sense of my responsibility.

Back then I didn't know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all that you did was love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're My friend.

But now I'm sure I know why,
why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes,
all all I can give you is love,
Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're My friend.

Mama I love you, Mama I care,
Mama I love you, Mama my friend,
You're my friend.

My Life As A Brownie




I love to eat a brownie when I'm sad
nothing beats the comfort
that a brownie can give me..

While eating a brownie.
I started to look at myself and compare myself
to a brownie.

Many may know me as funny..
Many may think that I'm zany
But many people dont know that
im achy and breaky....


But they dont know what goes behind the making
of the brownie. You get 2 boxes of Brownie
Mix then you mix 1 cup of butter then you add in
the condensed milk then you start to beat it
till it comes together.. Then you add the Eggs
then you beat it again. Thats how I am
sometimes..


Whenever I look at my son..
I know in my heart that I love him so much.
But sometimes I always see myself as a failure.
Because i dont know if I can afford to give him
the very best. I'm just a whole mixture of emotions..


Then you put butter in the baking pan put in the
mixutre and put it in the oven.I have to
put in the pan and arrange it.. So it will
come out nice when I bake it.


I imagine myself being that way sometimes
Sometimes I hate myself for being such a strict mom.
Always being the one to say No and Don't do this.
I know the effect that I have on him when I start to
tell him to pack away his toys or when I force him
to eat.

Then you put it in the oven and you bake it..


Sometimes I feel like my emotions are being baked through
and through. A lot of people dont know the pain of what I'm going thru.
I refused to let anyone in because I dont want their pity.
But sometimes i just need to talk to someone
To share that my son did this and that
I need that person to understand me. I know
that it is difficult to ask. So I dont..


Please stop looking at me like I did something wrong
when I ignore him because he has a tantrum.Stop staring at my child
whenever he throws a fit.He is just so overwhelmed by all of his
surroundings and he doesnt know how to process it. So please bear with him.


Then after its cooked we put it out of the oven..

Then slice it and eat it..


I'm trying my best to be always be thankful for what I have.
For what I can't give him and for my shortcomings..
I always pray that God will make up for all of that.
I know he always will for I would never come close to
God's love for my son.

My eulogy to our departed Cousin Gary (Butchoy) Tolin





I know he belongs to the Creator and that he will return to Him
someday. In my mind, his Creator took him back too soon he was
at that young age full of potential and still to live his life, but
because I did not pay enough attention to him and therefore I failed
him as a cousin.

All the material wealth, worldly achievements, praise of one's
contemporaries, diminish ... mean nothing, and become nothing ... in
the face of such a tragedy.

Goodbye to you my dearest cousin... Sleep and be glad that you are
free from the pain.

Watch us from up above.. Rest assured that in our hearts you will
never be forgotten

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The Day Mami Died

"Mami died at 12:15 AM. Please pray that she may rest in peace"
This was a message that I received from my friend Marisa
I sent her a message saying "Are you all right? And I asked about the details of the funeral.

Diagnosed with cancer almost four years ago, Mami had been at war with her disease since. She had lived longer than expected. She had been a fighter.She had been in and out of the hospital until she said enough.

Three days ago I was chatting with my friend online and I asked her this question.How would you like to die slowly or suddenly? She didn’t say anything. Then I answered my own question .Its not in my hands whether God will take me swiftly or slowly I will try to leave everything in God's hands. That takes away a lot of the worry, because I couldn't ask for anything better than what God wants for me, and I know everything will work out in the end." Because I know that he will help me with a fate against which I am powerless.

What separates the way people approach death's door depends on their perception of how it opens. Some see it opening into an abyss of darkness and non-existence. For others, the door opens to another side, which they face with--albeit apprehensive--uncertain anticipation. For them, the human spirit is indomitable. Perhaps the art of healing is not one of cheating death, but an art of helping people to be oriented toward life in all its possibilities--even life after death. In the final analysis, the way we have to deal with death is a reflection of the way we are brought up and what culture and society dictate upon us.

People always find it strange when I tell them that I like reading obituaries of people. Whenever I go to a funeral I try not to look at the coffins but to look at their pictures which help me remember them. I still sometimes wonder if Mami knows what she taught me and what impact she had on me; and I tell myself that somehow she does - but maybe that's just to calm my conscience. But I shall always remember Mami’s face and that smile left me the last time I saw her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My cousin Arian just passed away. He was only 23 years old.
His life has just begun. When my mom sent me an SMS about
that very sad news. I wished that someone would just tell me
that it was all just a big April Fools day joke.I couldn’t believe it because
his eldest brother Butchoy has just died in the Fall of 2002.
How do you console his mother, his sister, his brother?
How do you tell them that it's going to be okay?
They were just moving on after Butchoy died of cancer.
At least yung kay Butchoy prepared sila kasi Cancer yun eh eto
sudden and very tragic.

Arian was always full of life. He was always joking and smiling.
He was just starting to live his life.
He was just starting to get back on his feet
after a minor setback that happened to him.
I find consolation in the fact that he is now with
Butchoy to guide him in the after life.

On another note my friend sent me a text message that really struck me.

" It's no coincidence we call this season of Lent the past tense of Lend.
May this season remind us that we are living on a BORROWED LIFE".


That message really struck me because I always want to say that
I'm done with life and I want the easy way out.
That text message made me realize that it is not for me to decide that I'm through
with my life. It will be God who will tell me when it is over.
I remembered Marisa's mom and my cousins Arian,Butchoy & Kuya Adlai.
They didn't want to die and Yet here I am always
whining and complaining that life is so unfair.
I learned a really valuable lesson. I will always
be grateful with what i have and with what God has given me.

It will be holyweek soon and I'm trying to reflect about the kind of life that I had and what kind of episode in it had hurt me the most. It’s been too long plus an month and I kept thinking about her. It was a few days after my 25th birthday when I received this SMS on my cell phone:

"' I thinks its better if you leave me alone, when I need you I’ll call you"
This was a message that I received from my best friend of 8 years. What can someone say when someone is given that kind of message? I sent her a message saying "Why?" and she didn’t bother answering me back

I met her 8 years ago; we saw each other thru the best of the times and the worst of times We were rarely apart that people started to call us twins. Often enough friendships fail, simply by being all too human or all too familiar with each other. Indeed, loving, trusting and giving too much of yourself is not always an esteemed quality in a person. Many people around saw the falling out as a sign of bad things to come for both of us. The word that I had in mind was” finished" somehow I knew it was foolish for me to think it seems inevitable, that we would become friends till were old and gray. I tried looking at it in terms of a vocation, that it was my vocation to be her best friend for life. Somehow along the way I have told myself a million of times that I had this coming. Why did I say that, I don’t know. I tried my best I really did.

But somehow trying your best when the other person has stopped trying will only put your efforts in vain. But somehow at the back of mind I knew that all genuine friendships accommodate risk. A friendship is not a friendship without its challenges. If there is no risk in a relationship between individuals, then those individuals must be holding back from being themselves. For if an individual is being themselves, the implication of moving forward, into the unknowns, is always there and always producing new challenges. A relationship where there is no sense of this movement, no challenge, no risk, is not a genuine friendship. It is static. Static relationships have nowhere to go nothing to gain. The individuals in these relationships have to effort fully restrict their own natural tendency toward progress in order to maintain a static relationship. Limitations and boundaries over which no individual may cross, if the individual wishes to maintain 'the friendship' also characterize these relationships.


People have different ways of viewing what a friend is and what friendship means to them. And so the friendship can only be defined by how the individuals are, not by what they do. Attention only to what is done according to an agreed standard is not enough to sustain the friendship, for an individual can adhere completely to what must be done, yet their state of being could communicate non-friendship all the while.

It is very important then that you become used to assessing your friendships not on what you do, but how you are. This must become the most important thing in your relationships. For deeds are worth little if not done in the spirit of friendship. This spirit is the ultimate defining factor that denotes a genuine friendship. It is a non-tangible thing and can often be misinterpreted, however, when it exists in a relationship, the quality of that relationship is such that all others pale by comparison. When an individual feels friendship then the friendship is genuine. And obviously, friendships can be demanding, because of the nature of what it is to be human. For a friendship to be enduring, it must be allowing.

All of these factors provide cause for consideration, but it is interesting to observe that if we do not feel friendship for even one person, we must call into question what we are doing to prevent responses of friendship from taking place. Feelings of friendship are natural, they can of course, occur as a result of even a fleeting encounter, or they can be more permanent in their nature. Whatever the circumstances, openness is a key component of genuine friendship. Without it, friendships cannot exist.

Often these boundaries are consciously agreed upon, sometimes they are implied or non-verbal. However, in this kind of relationship individuals know exactly where they stand and the point at which they cannot go beyond. When we try to cling to a friendship and to have it stay the same, this is the trap we fall into. We demand these boundaries so that the threat of change cannot destroy what we have. But in doing so, we must shut down and therefore any genuine friendship becomes something else.

Genuine friendships allow for change within the individuals. Not genuine friendships or identity friendships depend on the individuals staying the same - that is, on the constant perception that nothing has changed and that the individuals have not changed. Change brings threat to the identity friendship. Genuine friends allow one another to change and to grow and for the nature of the friendship to change without a sense of loss. In a genuine friendship there is nothing to lose, the relationship can only grow and gain. Similarly, in a genuine friendship, forgiveness is not an aspect of friendship because with true allowing, there is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness implies guilt and guilt is not a judgment made by a true friend. Allowing transcends forgiveness in every respect.


And the same can be said for a great friendship. We must be prepared to desire the ultimate now and to deal with the challenges that face us along the way. But at no time should we settle for an unripe apple if we desire something more.
Its been too long since I last saw her . I’m always full of what ifs, could haves, should haves and all of those things. Here are my last words for her.. I’m sorry for everything and that I wish you well..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know most of what has been written says alot
about my depression. Two weeks ago I was chatting
with my friend PB and she told me something that really
struck me. You can't be depressed all the time so I'm going
to take her advice and start typing about the other things
that I do like here's a song by Darius Danesh

Colourblind

Feeling blue
When I'm trying to forget this feeling
That I miss you

Feeling green
When the jealousy wells and it won't
Go away in dreams

Feeling yellow
I'm confused inside a little hazy but mellow
When I feel your eyes on me

Feeling fine, sublime
When that smile of yours
Creeps into my mind

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind

Feeling red
When you spend all your time with your friends
And not me instead

Feeling black
When I think about all of the things that
I feel I lack

Feeling jaded
When it's not gone right
All the colours have faded
Then I feel your eyes on me

Feeling fine, sublime
When that smile of yours
Creeps into my mind

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind

Blinded by the light you shine
The colours fade completely
Blinded by you everytime
I feel your smile defeat me
I'm colour blind
I just can't deny this feeling

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind

Nobody told me it feels so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colour blind
You make me colour blind

Here's something that I wrote for my hubby for Valentine's day..
I know you'll probably say I'm too cheesy but indulge me anyway.

Mahal kita noon..
Pero mas mahal kita ngayon.



Iniisip ko pa lang kung paano tayo nagkakakilala kinikilig pa rin ako
Naalala ko pa ang araw na yun,parang kailan lang.
Isang napaka ordinaryong araw, di ko naisip na may mangyayaring
kakaiba. Sa unang pag uusap.. walang pagkagusto..walang
kakaibang atraksyon.


Maramin akong lalaking nakiklala
Pero walang naiiba..Di ko na matandaan kung ano ang nangyari.
Pero bago ko pa namalayan
Unti unti ng lumambot ang damdamin
Na akala kong nagging bato.

Nakakatuwang isipin na kung
Di mo hinahanap saka lang syang dumadating.

Di madaling ipaliwanag
Di madaling sabihin
Pero sinabi mo sa akin na mahal mo ako.
At bagamat di mo inaasahan
Sinabi ko sa yong mahal kita

Di ako makapaniwala na apat na taon na tayong magkasama..
Di ako makapaniwala na andito ka sa tabi ko mahal mo
ako at laging inaalagaan.

Nais kong muling sabihin sa iyo na mahal na mahal kita.
Napakaligaya ko sa tuwing iisipin ko na habang buhay
Tayong magkakasama bilang mag-asawa.

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Salamin (Pangalawang Bersyon)

Lagi kong tinitignan ang aking sarili sa salamin.
Sa tuwing mananalamin ako nakikita ko ang aking sarili pero
parang di ko gusto ang aking nakikita.
May mga araw na sinasabi kong ang taba ko na.
May mga araw na sinasabi ko na ang pangit ng aking kutis.
Bakit nga ba puro pangit na lang ang aking nakikita
Sa tuwing nakatingin ako sa salamin?

Isang gabi bago ako matulog tumingin ako sa salamin nagulat ako may
isang babaeng nakatingin at nakangiti sa akin.Bigla akong nagisip
kung sino nga ba yun?At yun ay walang iba kung di ako.

Kaya ngayon habang tintignan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin
bigla kong naisip na di ko dapat laiitin ang aking sarili.
Naisip kong karapat dapat din palang purihin at dapat mahalin.
At ako ay napangiti magisa habang nakatitig sa aking sarili dito sa
harap ng salamin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ang Salamin ( Unang Bersyon)

Lagi kong tinitignan ang aking sarili sa salamin.
Sa tuwing mananalamin ako nakikita ko ang aking sarili pero
parang di ko gusto ang aking nakikita.
May mga araw na sinasabi kong ang taba ko na.
May mga araw na sinasabi ko na ang pangit ng aking kutis.
Pero ngayon habang tintignan ko ang aking sarili sa salamin
bigla kong naisip na di ko dapat laiitin ang aking sarili.
Naisip kong karapat dapat din palang purihin at dapat mahalin.
At ako ay napangiti magisa habang nakatitig sa aking sarili dito sa
harap ng salamin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Im currently coping with depression. Ive been journalling my thoughts, the pains and the struggles that Im going thru. I have a depressive disorder. But then what is depressive disorder? A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Before I got help, I had been depressed for as long as I can remember. I'm now 27 years old, but even when I was a child, I can remember never feeling right. I never felt that I was worth anything. I was always extremely quiet. I was able to make friends at school, but socially, I lacked the ability to interact with others as easily as my peers.I always remember feeling sad, worthless, and like it wouldn't have mattered if I was never born.I was feeling all sorts of different emotions at times I was so sad and I wanted to cry and die without knowing why. I wanted the feeling to go away. It did or so I thought…My depression came back shortly after I had my first child. I was extremely weepy and had incredible up-and-down mood swings. For approximately a year, I went on feeling this way, and every day I seemed to become more irritable and edgy.My biggest problem was admitting something was wrong. In my mind I felt like such a failure about not being able to handle my life situations. Having a baby had changed our lives and I had a very hard time accepting the baby was there and that he needed me. I felt he was better off with out me. I never felt I would harm my child, but I did harm myself.I had feelings of worthlessness, that kind of feeling that you always feel you’re not alive but just existing. I never felt that I had accomplished the things that I want to or feel I should have and yet I don't have the energy to do them. It’s feeling disconnected from people in my life, even friends and family who care about me. It's not wanting to get out of bed some mornings and losing hope that life will ever get better."I think the whole thing really affected my relationships with people, I was pretty much a jerk all of the time. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I just wanted them to leave me alone. The last straw was when my bestfriend walked out on me and never bothered to explain why she did it. That jolted me and made me think that maybe I did need help. I have lost everything but decided to take that road just the same. In order to find out who my friends are and to understand where my life is going. The journey is long,hard, rough and tough. I have yet to get to the part when I can tell my self that I'm okay.I have lots of questions but there are two questions that I have asked myself time and time again and still remains to be answered. Who am I? What is my purpose? I wish I can answer that question but I cant. I've long realized that there can be only one person who can help me with this journey to self discovery and that person is ME.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It takes the greatest effort to get out of bed in the morning.
I am tired all day, yet when night comes, sleep evades me.
I stare at the ceiling, wondering what has happened to my
life, and what will become of me. Nothing is getting done
at work. I have projects to complete, but I can't think. I try
to focus on my work, and I get lost. I keep wondering when
the boss will discover how little I have accomplished. Hon
does not understand. He keeps telling me to "snap out of it."
Everytime I think i'm going crazy i've tried to reach out
but no one would take my hand.. I'm lost, alone and afraid.
I'm irritable all the time, and yell all the time, then I feel
terrible later. Nothing is fun any more. I tried to tell my mother
even she thought that I lacked self confidence and she
suggested that it's mind over matter. Sometimes I think
about how fun it would be if i just jumped off the building.I
I am bored, but I feel like doing nothing. There are times,
when I'm alone, that I think that life is hopeless and meaningless,
and I can't go on much longer.

______________________________________________________

I was 23 years old when I was pregnant with my first child. Innocent as a child myself, I thought having a child meant rocking the cradle to the tune of " Rock a Bye Baby." Or that I would bring the new baby to the mall and parks and to our annual family vacation, where everyone would admire my new maternal glow.

In childbirth, under long and intense labor, I did not feel alone. I remember feeling shocked that there was a real living baby at the end of this ordeal, part of which involved a caesarian Section. When they put the baby in my arms, I couldn't make anything fit: I was all elbows and tensed shoulders, and my son wasn't the least interested in nursing --the sharing ended here. I remember the moment of numbness of pain and the gamut of emotions that I felt. Although we shared a lot of things I believed that this was one experience that I would have to do alone.

The staff moved me to a regular hospital room. I think I made a mistake when I asked them to give the baby to me. Being weak, hungry and tired, I struggled to rise whenever my son a cried, and my little son cried for hours. The wearier I became, the more loneliness yielded to terror. I had no idea how to feed him, even bathe him or even hold him. It looked so easy, witnessing other moms do what they had to with so much simple grace. Thinking that when my son came along it would be easy as well, I was in for a surprise.

When I came home, my family made time to welcome me and the baby. My husband took a week off. My sister in law stayed for a day. But soon enough everyone had business to attend to, and at his or her departure I struggled to learn what mothering really is. I always knew that I was willing to learn but the question remained: What made me such a failure at this mothering business?

All that year, I would cradle my son in my arms at home, before I left for the office or as soon as I got home after work. If I wasn't with my sweet baby my head would tilt back with that same dizzy happiness just thinking of him. And much of the rest of the time I battled the motherhood guilt: that I should be taking care of him. But I kept reminding myself that it was not my choice to leave a newborn baby in the care of others.

I despaired that I would find a way to do something with my time while my son was asleep. The minute the baby's eyes closed, I sat down in front of the computer and wrote without so much as a blink to collect my thoughts. Sometimes I was so tired when my baby slept that I longed to sleep myself. Sometimes, eating my lonely lunch, I pictured myself in a big house my son with a yaya in a uniform and bringing him to me only for breastfeeding doing all the things that I was supposed to do. While smiling at myself I'd suddenly hear a loud wail that would jolt me back to reality.

My sweet mother in law would sometimes tease me that she'd be willing to take care of my son. The catch was she lived far away from where we lived. Call it crazy or attribute it to post partum depression, but I entertained the notion for all of three seconds. What would jolt me back to reality? My son's sweet smile, offered with his uncanny possessive stare.

I wrote an article and I sent to a local newspaper, not even hoping that they would publish my article. But they did: it even came out on our anniversary. There it was. I was a writer and I was a mother. For the first time, I understood the connection of this relationship. Before motherhood, I had tried so hard to write but nothing came out of it. After motherhood, I worked whenever I could. Realizing that I actually had something to say, I now understood that there was so much material I could use because of the experiences I didn't have before I had my son.

Nothing saddens me more than hearing one mother compare herself to another and think herself better than the other mothers for the way she has tried to work out the balance of child and self and work in those early mothering years. Motherhood is a work in progress some of us are actually good at domestic jobs and still keep their careers. Some of us feel like they live in the kitchen, while others feel like going to the kitchen will actually drive them crazy. There are those who space out, and others who want to go on. Some of our children need us to be fulfilled in what we do, and some of our children need us to put our careers on hold for a few years and attend to them. It seems to me that we should celebrate all kinds of mothers. Mothers aren't perfect. I always think that mothering is caught and not taught.

In my moments of solitude I thought that motherhood was keeping me from myself, but again and again that first year my child reminded me that motherhood helped to me deepen sense of self.

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Naglalaban ang aking puso at isip
Ano bang dapat kong gawin
Gusto kong magsalita at magkuento tungkol sa mga
Bagay bagay at kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin.
Ngunit sino ang makikinig?Sino ang kakausap
Sa mga sandaling ako’y nangungulila at
Nakakaramdam ng kawalan at pagdurusa.

Tiniis ko ang pagiisa
Nabuhay ako sa kalungkutan
Nakaramdam ako ng pangungutya
at pagtalikod ng mga akala kong kaibigan
Nakikita ko ang kadiliman
Na di nawawala .
Pag dinilat ko ang aking mga mata
Di ko nararamdaman ang sinag at
Liwanag ng araw.

Ako ay lumuha,isang patak ng luha
Tumulo mula sa aking mga mata at
Nahulog sa aking blusa,

Naiyak ako para sa katauhan,
Para sa akin..
Para aking buhay na malapit ko ng bitawan.
Para sa aking mga iiwanan

Nakikita ko ang aking sariling nakalibing,
Ako’y nalungkot
Malungkot ang mag isa
Maski gusto ko wala na akong magagawa.
Mangyayari ang nakatakda
Ginusto ko na may lumapit at kumausap at
Umintindi. Bagkos ako’y tinalikuran at
Kinutya.

Sila ang papatay sa akin at sa buhay kong
Di na para sa akin. Sa mga nangyari sa akin
Sila ang dapat sisihin. Dahil tatapusin ko
Yaring aking buhay

Alam kong maganda ay buhay.
May pag asa pa ba para sa akin
Palagay ko’y di ko na kaya
Salamat mga kaibigan sa inyong ginawa,
Dahil wala na itong balikan