I tried to be the better person by saying I can manage
this pain without the pain medications..
I can't I'm in so much pain.

Without the medications the pain was even more painful
compared to my labor with Joshwa and to think I labored for 18 hours.
You know that kind of pain that finally find you the comfortable
position then you have to get up and endure the pain
to go to the restroom and you can't seem to find that
great comfortable position when you go back and lie down.


That pain that you have to whine and say ouch
it hurts so bad but you can't because you don't
want to risk annoying the people around you.

That kind of pain that you can't sleep
because it hurts to move in bed.
I'm not really a crier because if I was
I'd be crying and crying.


Yes thats the kind of pain that I'm feeling without the drugs.
Thank goodness for pain medications.
Im still feeling some pain but not as much.
I don't think I'll be stupid enough to go off the
pain medications again.

My Latest Scrapbook Items

My beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, adorable sister
gave me some money to help me start
with my scrapbooking once again and my hubby
who said that he will buy me some scrapbook
stuff (he had no idea how much that would
eventually cost him)I am one happy
girl. On top of the scrapbook stuff Philbert
will also be paying for my magazine subscriptions
from Creating Keepsakes and Memory Makers
that will hopefully jumpstart me into scrapbooking.
Hubby is now starting to send subtle hints about
wanting a return on his investments he now wants to
see a layout from me.

Here are the scrapbooking stuff that
we bought at Joanns and Michaels.


Stickers


Templates, Glues & Embellishments



Papers



And a Lot of Papers..

I went to the hospital yesterday.
The doctor did another ultrasound
and still the same Gabe is really gone.
I'm not having the D & C, I was just given
something for the physical pain. For the
real pain that I'm feeling only time can heal
that.

Im doing so much better thank God that
I have a great husband to support me through this difficult time.
He is my rock and is making things so much easy for me
and i love him so much for that.
He cooks,cleans,takes care of things in the morning
like preparing Joshwa for school and bringing him
to the bus. He took me shopping last week for
scrapbooking stuff and wasn't upset that I
OVERSHOT the budget that he gave me.

Yesterday because I was craving for Krispy Kreme
we went there before I went to the doctor.
He also bought me a Season 2 DVD of Greys Anatomy
and watches it with me. I love him even more now..

I'm going to the Doctor tomorrow..
I know i'm going to hear those words again.
I know i'm going to feel the same way again.
It's now starting to sink in.

I really hope that she'll say something different.
But my body and bloody discharge is telling me
something that I dont want to hear, see and
understand, Gabe is gone..

Our First Thanksgiving

THANKSGIVING 2006 MENU

Appetizers

Coconut Shrimp
Shrimp Wraps

Main Course
Roasted Turkeywith Corn Bread Stuffing
Adobo

Side Dishes

Macaroni Salad
Mixed Vegetables
Mashed Potato
Cranberry Sauce
Gravy

Dessert

Pumpkin Pie
Boston Creme Pie
Cupcakes
Ice Cream

Thankfully okay naman ang kinalabasan ng aming first
thanksgiving.Nakakapagod pala magluto buti na lang once
a year lang ang thanksgiving. But Im glad our guests liked
the food if they didnt like it at least they were polite
enough not to say anything.

Thanksgiving

Today is thanksgiving and despite the things that
have happened.I still feel thankful and blessed because
my family is intact and we are together.I couldn't
be more thankful.

I have decided not to have the D & C right away.
I want to wait til the baby comes out on its own.
Pag lumabas na yung blood and then I wait for all
of it come out. Pag may naiwan sa loob then thats
the time na papayag ako magpa D&C.

Call me crazy, stupid or still in denial whatever it is..
I still believe in Miracles.

Ive been spotting for 6 days so I went to the
hospital and had some tests done and heard
something that I didn't want to. Your baby
is in the right place but the baby has no heartbeat.

Im in a dark place right now. I know God has a reason
for everything and its probably not the time but
still I feel the void, I feel the pain and the disappointment.

I feel the rug was pullled under my feet. I feel like I want
to cry but the tears wouldn't come.

To you my baby Gabe,

We wanted you..
We were looking forward to meeting you.
We will always be your parents even if
you are in heaven watching over us.

We love you Gabe..
You will always be our middle child.
We may have another one but you cannot be replaced.

We love you even before we have met you
We love you even if you are no longer with us.
We will love you forever..

Joshwa rode the school bus today.
The first school bus ride..parang
maiiyak ako kasi this is a milestone
for him.Kasi first time nya to go anywhere
without anyone familiar.He took it quite well.

My little boy is growing up

1st Baby Stuff

I know excited na kung excited call
it kuripot that's what I am. Especially
when I saw this item for sale.

Here is the description on the web.

• Convenient open-top design enables Mom to take baby in and out of swing with ease.
• Convenient side handles let you carry the swing from room to room with or without baby
• Five soothing speeds
• Compact fold
• Removable, machine-washable insert

The price on the web is $40

How much we bought it $9.99.

Philbert thought it was too early but I told him sayang pag nabili pa ng iba.

Joshwa started school last Monday and he loves it.
How do I know that he likes it? He's not crying
when i leave him in school and when I pick him up
he's smiling.

The teacher is all praises for Joshwa.
She says that he is doing a great job
and I'm so proud of him.

Tomorrow, Joshwa will be riding the bus
he will be picked up tomorrow at 7am
ang aga and he will be brought home at
around 2:20PM.

I took photos of his first day of school,

Joshwa is starting his 1st day of Special Ed school
tomorrow.Im feeling nervous about his
first day. I feel like i'm having the separation
anxiety.

He started school in October but it didn't
really work out because he had a tough time
and I stayed with him for 3 weeks.

I'm so thankful that the teachers were
so nice to me and they did their best
to rush all the meetings and assesments
so that Joshwa can finally move to the Special Ed school.

I'm thankful for the 3 weeks that I had with Joshwa.
I got to know him a lot more and I understood
how he feels and frustrating it is for him to not
be able to be understood.I felt his pain and
secretly cried with him when he feels frustrated.
There are days when he doesnt want to go to school
and i force him to because I know that he does
need to go to school.When he cries in school because
he's having a tough day.I just want to take him home.

I always tell Joshwa just a few more days
and we will be moving to school where you
do belong.Just a few more days my son
and through his tear stained eyes he looks
at me..and stops crying

I always tell myself soon Joshwa will find his voice
he will tell me what we wants,hates,feels
and loves and I will wait for that moment.
because i know that moment will soon come.

Joshwa's Halloween Costume