It will be holyweek soon and I'm trying to reflect about the kind of life that I had and what kind of episode in it had hurt me the most. It’s been too long plus an month and I kept thinking about her. It was a few days after my 25th birthday when I received this SMS on my cell phone:
"' I thinks its better if you leave me alone, when I need you I’ll call you"
This was a message that I received from my best friend of 8 years. What can someone say when someone is given that kind of message? I sent her a message saying "Why?" and she didn’t bother answering me back
I met her 8 years ago; we saw each other thru the best of the times and the worst of times We were rarely apart that people started to call us twins. Often enough friendships fail, simply by being all too human or all too familiar with each other. Indeed, loving, trusting and giving too much of yourself is not always an esteemed quality in a person. Many people around saw the falling out as a sign of bad things to come for both of us. The word that I had in mind was” finished" somehow I knew it was foolish for me to think it seems inevitable, that we would become friends till were old and gray. I tried looking at it in terms of a vocation, that it was my vocation to be her best friend for life. Somehow along the way I have told myself a million of times that I had this coming. Why did I say that, I don’t know. I tried my best I really did.
But somehow trying your best when the other person has stopped trying will only put your efforts in vain. But somehow at the back of mind I knew that all genuine friendships accommodate risk. A friendship is not a friendship without its challenges. If there is no risk in a relationship between individuals, then those individuals must be holding back from being themselves. For if an individual is being themselves, the implication of moving forward, into the unknowns, is always there and always producing new challenges. A relationship where there is no sense of this movement, no challenge, no risk, is not a genuine friendship. It is static. Static relationships have nowhere to go nothing to gain. The individuals in these relationships have to effort fully restrict their own natural tendency toward progress in order to maintain a static relationship. Limitations and boundaries over which no individual may cross, if the individual wishes to maintain 'the friendship' also characterize these relationships.
People have different ways of viewing what a friend is and what friendship means to them. And so the friendship can only be defined by how the individuals are, not by what they do. Attention only to what is done according to an agreed standard is not enough to sustain the friendship, for an individual can adhere completely to what must be done, yet their state of being could communicate non-friendship all the while.
It is very important then that you become used to assessing your friendships not on what you do, but how you are. This must become the most important thing in your relationships. For deeds are worth little if not done in the spirit of friendship. This spirit is the ultimate defining factor that denotes a genuine friendship. It is a non-tangible thing and can often be misinterpreted, however, when it exists in a relationship, the quality of that relationship is such that all others pale by comparison. When an individual feels friendship then the friendship is genuine. And obviously, friendships can be demanding, because of the nature of what it is to be human. For a friendship to be enduring, it must be allowing.
All of these factors provide cause for consideration, but it is interesting to observe that if we do not feel friendship for even one person, we must call into question what we are doing to prevent responses of friendship from taking place. Feelings of friendship are natural, they can of course, occur as a result of even a fleeting encounter, or they can be more permanent in their nature. Whatever the circumstances, openness is a key component of genuine friendship. Without it, friendships cannot exist.
Often these boundaries are consciously agreed upon, sometimes they are implied or non-verbal. However, in this kind of relationship individuals know exactly where they stand and the point at which they cannot go beyond. When we try to cling to a friendship and to have it stay the same, this is the trap we fall into. We demand these boundaries so that the threat of change cannot destroy what we have. But in doing so, we must shut down and therefore any genuine friendship becomes something else.
Genuine friendships allow for change within the individuals. Not genuine friendships or identity friendships depend on the individuals staying the same - that is, on the constant perception that nothing has changed and that the individuals have not changed. Change brings threat to the identity friendship. Genuine friends allow one another to change and to grow and for the nature of the friendship to change without a sense of loss. In a genuine friendship there is nothing to lose, the relationship can only grow and gain. Similarly, in a genuine friendship, forgiveness is not an aspect of friendship because with true allowing, there is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness implies guilt and guilt is not a judgment made by a true friend. Allowing transcends forgiveness in every respect.
And the same can be said for a great friendship. We must be prepared to desire the ultimate now and to deal with the challenges that face us along the way. But at no time should we settle for an unripe apple if we desire something more.
Its been too long since I last saw her . I’m always full of what ifs, could haves, should haves and all of those things. Here are my last words for her.. I’m sorry for everything and that I wish you well..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No comments:
Post a Comment